Live Your Life

Trauma at boarding school and before

2010-11-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

For a large portion of my life I managed to satirize my experiences in boarding school in India. In social situations with my "Indiakid" peers, I can keep up with the laughing and mockery and the absurd story-telling... which is usually how most social situations wound up. But then a silence will fill the room when I blurt out something like "... and then I was ankle-deep in shit!" (There was one incidence in which I was truly ankle deep in raw sewage)

By and large it has not been socially acceptable to talk about the difficult aspects of boarding school, and by and large it is avoided. In our early adult lives I had a difficult time expressing my individual feelings, so as a way of coping, I would find something absurd in a shared experience to laugh about.

We are individuals. It's not realistic to expect that we go navigating the world and our lives as if they are common and shared.

In more recent years I have had to get more real about the harmful aspects of 3HO and India boarding school. Understanding the breadth of my experience allows me to examine my own life, my own actions, my own purpose, and my place in the world. Part of examining it is to acknowledge the traumatic aspects. As a young adult, I was under an assumption that trauma, or even post traumatic stress, was the result of one isolated incident that imprints in one's mind and haunts the individual forever. But the more I looked at my own life I came to realize that the situation as children in India wasn't one, singular or isolated traumatic incident. It was the multiplicity of chaotic situations that acted on us as the main stressors. Take the poor conditions of our environment, add the randomness in the kinds of punishments enforced on us, plus the minor but random violence imposed upon by teachers, and you have a institutionally hostile environment that day after day continues to compound the stress.

If this basic outline of our situation isn't traumatic, I don't know what is.

Steven Hassan on Huffington Post

2010-08-21T12:42:00.001-07:00

Have you been reading any of the articles about the current schizm in Sikh Dharma? If so, what's your response as a 2nd generation adult?

Here is the op-ed piece by cult recovery expert, Steven Hassan. From there, is a link to a piece in the Santa Fe Reporter. The Eugene Register Guard also has a slew of articles. Below is the comment I left for Steven Hassan at the Huffington Post. I hope he reads it.

I'm often left with feelings of dismay and anger that, although there is word slowly making it to the public that 3HO/Sikh Dharma/Kundalini Yoga is a cult, perhaps now and imploding cult, but a de-facto cult nonetheless, no article has, to date brought up the experiences of those of us who were raised in it, shuttled about, and never even given the choice to "join or not". These articles, over and over, simply express your own schadenfreud for the business-side of 3HO's troubles, and the unfolding drama among its 1st generation baby-boomer converts. Not one mention of Sikh Dharma Foreign Education. Not one mention of GNFC School, or GRD Academy. One mention of Miri Piri Academy, that mentions it is a "training camp". It is not a training camp. It is a boarding school located in India which runs ten months out of the year. To call it a camp is completely misleading.

This implosion is yet another indicator of the 1st generation's callousness toward their 2nd generation - their children - and the 1st gens. willingness to suspend parental duties to please their guru, Yogi Bhajan. It is safe for me to say that 100% of us feel betrayed and abandoned. Perhaps those 2nd generationers who have remained in the Sikh Dharma community are experiencing this sense of betrayal differently, and probably cling to the faith even more. I still have a sense of comraderie with them - because we have all shared the same experiences as children. It hurts me to imagine them hurting over the things we did not start, and that we did not ask for.

So, enough of the schadenfrued. Enough of quoting Kamall Rose Kaur, who I am beginning to think is the leader of "the exes cult". Enough of the fanatics who railroad blogs and forums as a soapbox to preach their version of what "true Sikhsim" is.

If any of us 2nd generation are to participate in the dialogue, it will only be after we are recognized as autonomous individuals, not as puppets. Sherri has asked me to go on the record if she is to write an article about the schools in India. Does she have zero clue about what it means to recover from an upbringing in an abusive cult? Steven Hassan's approach is also problematic. What he seems to not understand is that the more one tries to "bust" a cult, the more divisive you are, and therefore the more futile it is. No one who is in a cult will ever admit that it is a cult! And the world will always have cults. One only realizes something is a cult after one has left - and then, the process of transition is extremely perilous and traumatic, that to have the cult-busters banging down your door to rally around their cause feels like just another version of thought reform.

Remembering US Independence Day in India

2010-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

The GNFC school year was the reverse of what it is in the States. We got two and a half months off during the winter months, and spent March through November in India. Our July Fourths were not spent cooking out, or going swimming, watching fireworks, lighting sparklers, or feasting on fruit cobblers.

Our parents wanted for us to get far away from what they considered to be American: sex, drugs and rock n' roll. They considered India-- and its culture, traditions and customs--exotic and holy. But the moment we arrived we knew that India was NOT exotic OR holy, and they too had sex, drug and rock n' roll - just a tempered down, more repressed version of it.

The teachers and dorm matrons at GNFC were so unprepared to work with children from different backgrounds, that they often lashed out at us, targeted us, showed belligerence toward us, and used pejorative language at us. Oddly enough, this actually mobilized us to exercise what we considered to be our birth right: questioning authority. Those unrealistic expectations, placed on us so drastically, only felt oppressive and authoritarian. We had an acute intuitive sense that it was supposed to repress our will, and independent thought: wholly American traits in our minds. The thought of giving that up caused deep hopelessness - that we would never go home again, that we'd be "stuck in India".

So, in the only manner we could defy authority, we became overtly proud to be the "obnoxious Americans". And Fourth of July in India motivated us, even if ever so slightly, to embody true American Don't Tread on Me Independence. And yeah, it was often a losing battle, resulting in our faces meeting the stinging hot hand of a school marm.

I'm glad today that our parents were blind to the thought of us clinging to our American traits so hard.

...Got to hand it to GNFC and India - the place charged me to develop my own freedom of thought. And the battery that we were subjected to on a daily basis only fueled it more.

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa, Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fu ...ck YOU

2010-05-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Many of us who chose not to live "in the Dharma" left on our own accord, and are quite happy forging our paths as we see fit. We enjoy autonomy, anonymity, freedom of expression, freedom in our attire, dress, hair, the freedom to consume anything we want to consume, etc, etc. But it's possible that the prospects of more and more children winding up in India, some even 3rd generation children, causes discomfort and distress for us, as we continue in our own lives to process what it all meant. It's not unreasonable to experience a sense of concern over the futures of 3HO 2nd & 3rd genrs. or to care about the welfare of our old classmates who remain in this institutional setting. We know, perhaps with more clarity, that they remain in this setting for a variety of pressures, all of them real. We have all so palpably experienced the nearly crushing pressure to conform and to assimilate.

We all know what this pressure feels like, whether we were able to walk away or not.

But... when I see that this is going on, I am dismayed, and I am angered, and I vehemently oppose any sort of accord that attempts at an unequivocal manifesto that would assume to speak for me.

If you were born or raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma, yet do not subscribe to its tenets, it does not mean that you do not have the inalienable right to voice your concerns, talk about your history within 3HO or India, or advocate for the future generations.

Send your feedback to Sikh Dharma Next Generation: feedback@sikhdharmanextgeneration.org. Tell them your story, tell them your experiences, tell them how YOU live your life today. Any "accord" that assumes to speak for the 2nd generation adults born and raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma, whether they are actively engaged in the lifestyle or not, will be met with the reminder that the majority of those born and raised in this group have since left.

Live Your Life Response

Sikh Dharma Next Generation: "Agree that the Siri Singh Sahib bestowed upon us an invaluable legacy in his teachings of Sikh Dharma, Kundalini Yoga and meditation, and White Tantric Yoga, and in the non-profit organizations that he helped to form"

Live Your Life: The Siri Singh Sahib was an authoritarian, charismatic leader of a cult. He claimed to be a yoga master. He invented a series of calisthenics-like exercises and branded it as ancient Kundalini Yoga. He invented "white" tantric, in which he intentionally put his disciples in a trance-like state in order for them to suspend critical thinking, and blindly follow the prescriptions he called lifestyle. He created 501(c)3 organizations under the guise of religious freedom, and enlisted his disciples, and children of his disciple to turn over 10% of their income and volunteer their free time to him through his organizations. He lived a wealthy, lavish and luxurious lifestyle with the use of these funds.

SDNG: Agree that younger generations are the future leaders of Sikh Dharma and the non-profit organizations, and the future of the legacy of the Siri Singh Sahib;

LYL: The 2nd, 3rd and all future generations of the 3HO Sikh Dharma cult were unwitting and unwilling recipients of his authoritarian leadership. He ordered his disciples to swap children between households in different parts of the country. He ordered his disciples to put infants on dangerous diets. He ordered his disciples to send children away to an abusive boarding school in India, sometimes as young as six years old. He ordered young adults to work for his profitable businesses at minimum wage. He ordered and conducted the arranged marriages between young adults, or teen women to older men. The Complex Post Traumatic Stress symptoms experienced by many of the 2nd generation adults is his responsibility.

SDNG: Agree that developing leadership by the younger generations is the way to secure the Siri Singh Sahib’s legacy into the future;

LYL: The Siri Singh Sahib's legacy of abuse and authoritarian rule ends with him in death. He has no power over any of the future generations of 3HO Sikh Dharma, and cannot inflict any more orders or harm on any of his disciples or unwitting victims within the 2nd and 3rd generation. By living one's life as one sees fit, one removes the authority of this cult leader completely, and is able to enjoy the autonomy of a free life.

SDNG: Agree that it is critical to act now to create a smooth transition between current and future leadership;

LYL: What is critical, is to understand that the trauma and abuses suffered under this cult are in no way one's own fault or doing. What is critical, is for the 1st generation to take responsibility in its own part of putting its children in harm's way, despite repeated reports of abuse, sickness, neglect and filth while living in India, and in Ashrams across the world.

SDNG: Agree that this task requires a broad community effort;

LYL: If this indeed requires broad community effort, any task of taking the reigns for the future of 3HO/Sikh Dharma MUST include a clause which speaks of the intentional abuses of the boarding school environment in India, and the 3HO Ashrams. It MUST include a clause that hundreds of 2nd generation adults born and raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma have denounced its principles, its tenets, and especially its leader, Yogi Bhajan aka Siri Singh Sahib, and have undergone therapy and counselling at their own expense for cult recovery and PTSD.

SDNG: Agree that it is essential for established leaders to help develop younger leaders and create pathways for younger leadership;

LYL: It is essential for 2nd generation adults born and raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma to understand that the short term goals of the Siri Singh Sahib and his inner circle was to exploit the hard work and sacrifice of the populace of 3HO Sikh Dharma, and that this short term goal did not account for a future for the next generations of 3HO Sikh Dharma

SDNG: Agree that it is the responsibility of the younger generations to make the commitment to learning, training, and developing the necessary skills to fulfill leadership roles.

LYL: It is the right of all 2nd generation adults born or raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma to live a life of autonomy and freedom, whether or not they choose to adhere to the principles of 3HO Sikh Dharma. It is the responsibility of current members of 3HO who consider themselves the "future" generation to take into account differences in religion and creed, to take into account autonomy and freedom, and to take into account the majority of 2nd generation adults who have adopted the inalienable right to a life free of authoritarian obedience to one person.

Readers have my full permission to forward this response to: feedback@sikhdharmanextgeneration.org

They pimped us out

2010-03-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

In the time between school in India and my leaving 3HO for good, I lived in the Española ashram, and briefly worked for the Khalsa companies. This was the most difficult time in my young 3HO life. By order of the Siri Singh Sahib (aka Yogi Bhajan), I was yanked from college, and made to work for one of his/their companies - for $5.00 per hour, no benefits, and a strict "bana" dress code. This happened at a time when many of us 2nd generation young adults were being instructed on how we were supposed to approach our futures, and many of us young women were winding up with the worse fate of an arranged marriage. We were ALL told that we would one day "own all of this", that these companies would someday be in our hands, that we would be the ones running them, earning income for ourselves, our families, and the community. The future of 3HO was idealized. The Siri Singh Sahib told us that all his wealth would someday be "ours", that it never really "belonged" to him, that it belonged to "the Khalsa". He told me, personally, that college was a waste of time, and that I could learn all I wanted at his companies AND be rich, and that college would not guarantee me a future like these companies would.

But the truth was that my job at the company turned out to be mind-numbing, and almost immediately after I started it, I felt like a corporate shill, and I felt like I had no future. My worst days were when I had to work with any of Yogi Bhajan's personal staff. But it was those days living in New Mexico that it occurred to me that there was a deep economic disparity between him (and his inner circle) and the rest of "the Sangat". 3HO is one of those groups that can proudly boast financial successes among many of its members, but the other side of that story is that many many members of the New Mexico community lived for a very long time in poverty and volunteered much of their free time to make him and his inner circle comfortable while they stayed at "the Ranch". The majority of New Mexico Sangat did not enjoy the luxuries at the Ranch, like the swimming pool, but did work to maintain its beautiful facade, spent nights in the security booth, and many late evenings fixing meals and cleaning up. I remember that the volunteer force was large, and well coordinated by the community leaders and his inner circle. As a young adult, I was expected to volunteer on a weekly basis, wether it was fixing meals or cleaning up.

When I began to lose interest in the community, I was called into his living room, and he yelled at me, calling me a "fucking bitch" and a "prostitute drug dealer". One of his staff members pulled me aside and told me that "he's telling me this because he loves me". Her name was Siri Karam, and I've resented her ever since, for being an accomplice to this man who was berating me and humiliating me.

In recent news, Siri Karam is now one of the leading figures in a hostile corporate take-over of the 3HO companies since the death of Yogi Bhajan in 2004. She, and three others took over Golden Temple for $100, and have since been firing workers, and locking members of the community out of their common spaces. It's a long, drawn out legal battle, and it's ugly.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but I'm deeply angered and dismayed by these turn of events. I know I have mentioned this in my blog before, I do believe most of the members of 3HO are good, honest, open-minded people, who's honest intention is to have a close community where they can share religious and spiritual experiences. For them, their worst mistake was to put their trust in an authoritarian man who did not have their best interest at heart, and who benefitted largely off their hard work and 10% of their income.

The sad truth is that Yogi Bhajan's rhetoric meant nothing in legal terms, and now that the companies are in dire straits, it's those hard-working, community minded folks whose futures are in peril. The part that angers me the most is that for much of the 2nd generation adults who have stayed and worked for these companies, and for some it has been since they were in their teens, they will have no education and no savings to fall back on if they lose their jobs. There are no 2nd generation executives at any of these companies, to date. We were treated like shills this whole time, and while I may have been able to leave, get an education, and find success, my peers who were not able to do so, have lost out. For the many 2nd generation adults who were instructed to marry very young, who have been put into arranged marriages, who had children when they themselves were children, they were being pimped out by not only Yogi Bhajan, but our parents too.

Our parents pressured us daily to follow "the Siri Singh Sahib", to trust him, and to obey and serve him. To them, that would be our coming of age. Our parents so blindly followed him, that they couldn't see the forest for the trees - that he was living in exorbitant wealth, using their hard-earned money to fund his and his inner circle's lavish and luxurious lifestyles, and pimping off young women to men ten years their senior, and exploiting our cheap labor.

I'm hoping that after all this passes, that the 3HO community can begin to build a truly democratic community, one that is focused on some of the more universal tenets of sikhism, not Yogi Bhajan's twisted and dogmatic version of it. I'm hoping that folks will truly provide their children with a sustainable future, and encourage higher education, critical thought and independent thinking. I'm hoping that they will see that their children do not need to be shipped off to Miri Piri Academy, and that when they stay home with their parents, they will reap the benefits of particpating in a constructive community, not one that is subservient to the needs of one, sole authoritarian presence.

Library Point

2009-12-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Indiakids: Are we "Third Culture Kids"?

2009-11-27T20:54:00.000-08:00

I was spending time recalling the many boarding schools in Mussoorie (Waverly, Wynberg-Allen, Woodstock, Mussoorie-Modern just to name a few) and came across this term on Wikipedia: "Third Culture Kid"

Third Culture Kids or Trans-Culture Kids, (abbreviated TCKs or 3CKs,) whom are sometimes also called Global Nomads, "refers to someone who, as a child, has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture".[1]
Since the term was coined by sociologist Ruth Hill Useem in the 1960s, TCKs have become a heavily studied global subculture. TCKs tend to have more in common with one another, regardless of nationality, than they do with non-TCKs from their own country.

The article is not fully supported by citations, but has a lot of bibliography and footnotes at the bottom of the page.

Do Indiakids fit into the Third Culture Kid population?

Here's an excerpt, that makes some sense, but also reads more as opinion than data:

TCKs are often multilingual and highly accepting of other cultures. Moving from country to country often becomes an easy thing for these individuals.

Many TCKs take years to readjust to their passport countries. They often suffer a reverse culture shock upon their return, and are constantly homesick for their adopted country. Many Third Culture Kids face an identity crisis: they don't know where they come from. It would be typical for a TCK to say that he or she is a citizen of a country but with nothing beyond their passport to define that identification for them. They usually find it difficult to answer the question, "Where are you from?" Compared to their peers who have lived their entire lives in a single culture, TCKs have a globalized culture. Others can have difficulty relating to them. It is hard for TCKs to present themselves as a single cultured person, which makes it hard for others who have not had similar experiences to accept them for who they are. They know bits and pieces of at least two cultures, yet most of them have not fully experienced any one culture making them feel incomplete or left out by other children who have not lived overseas. They often build social networks among themselves and prefer to socialize with other TCKs.

What do you all think? Is this something you think would be helpful in describing your present situation in life, and when describing upbringing? I think the main difference is that we did not have our parents, as many TCK's did have. But, it's important to note that there were the American Embassy kids at Woodstock boarding school in Mussoorie too.

A brief summary of the India program

2009-11-13T13:32:00.001-08:00

The boarding schools I went to were GNFC school in Mussoorie and GRD Academy in Dehra Dun. At first GNFC was the school all the parents collectively sent us to, until about 1989. It was a traditional Sikh boarding school that had a British influence, and had separate campuses for boys and girls. The majority of the students were Indian Sikhs, with some Thai Namtari Sikhs, and us American 3HO Sikhs. The majority of faculty and staff were Indian, and there were about a half-dozen American "guides" with us (incuding the notorious Nanak Dev Singh), and out of those, three were actual teachers and the rest were sort of just assigned to watch over us. One of the guides was made head-nurse by GNFC, and became in charge of the infirmary.

Then there arose a conflict between the 3HO organizers of the India "program" (they were called Sikh Dharma Foreign Education or SDFE) and GNFC. The rumor I got was that SDFE was stiffing GNFC on the bills, and GNFC gave us the boot. SDFE told us however that GNFC was scamming us. I'm really not sure what the real story was, but in 1989 SDFE began constructing its own school in Dehra Dun, called GRD Academy, and was to be structured a lot closer to Yogi Bhajan's idea of a proper school, and was also co-ed. From then on it became a quest of theirs to form a school in their own ideals (or as they said "to have a school of our own").

GRD Academy was funded by a man named Raja Singh who was a rich sikh from Delhi. The school was constructed from the ground up, and we attended class and lived in the dorms all during construction. Food supply was often short, and class was often haphazardly organized. Some of the "guides" who were with us at GNFC stayed along for GRD and played more important roles in the shaping of the school, and many more young adults were brought in from the US, some of whom had attended GNFC and graduated from there. Our Principal, Mr. Waryam, was recruited from GNFC as well. He was a nasty drunk.

There were two guides with US Military backgrounds, and they were brought in to teach us military style drills, something that Yogi Bhajan was particularly fond of at the time. For some reason, the Indian students at GRD were exempt from the military training. The 3HO children were to remain at GRD only for a couple of years, and I really don't know why it didn't work out, because I was back home by then, attending a new experiment for 3HO youth, the New Mexico Military Institute, which also did not last much more than three years. Also in the time of the last years of GNFC and GRD, a state-side school in Albuquerque, NM was founded, called Amritsar Academy, and where Nanak Dev ended up after leaving GNFC in 1986, which also shut down sometime in the early nineties,.

When Punjab became more peaceful and opened up to visitors, SDFE took on the task of moving all the 3HO children to another new, privately owned, and purely 3HO school environment, and that is what Miri Piri Academy is today. MPA is owned by Sikh Dharma-3HO. I never attended MPA, and never visited either. It appears to be more focused on Sikhism and Sikh Culture, and less focused on academics. I know that it still operates the same way that SDFE organized sending guides over: very low pay, in exchange for room and board. They recruit individuals with no knowledge about childcare, or experience with teaching. They plunk these people in positions of authority over many children, and have no business being there. Some teachers or guides at MPA simply graduated from GNFC, GRD or MPA, and went straight into these positions, with no training or higher education, and certainly no education about childhood development or education. I'm unaware of the statistics for graduates of MPA who pursue higher education. My guess is that it's relatively similar to my own generation. The majority of youth who pursue higher education ultimately gain critical thinking skills and independent thought, and pursue their own lives outside the realm of 3HO.

We were beat and slapped by the Indian teachers and guides at GNFC, and were also made to do lots of bizarre corporal punishments, that had lots to do with awkward positioning and endurance. At GRD, the beating was not non-existent, however was rare. The corporal punishment remained about the same as GNFC, and was often inflicted by the guides, and the Indian teachers at GRD rarely ordered punishments. Amritsar Academy had it's own "seva" style, or "karma-yoga" type discipline. I don't know first-hand what the disciplinary style of the staff and teachers is at MPA, and I'm not comfortable talking about the various rumors that circulate, because I have no way of verifying them. Please comment below if you have a first-hand account.

On Consensus and the Bully Pulpit

2009-10-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

Normally when we think of consensus, we think of it in a positive, unifying kind of context - like solidarity. But growing up in 3HO, and having left when I was 18, I've developed a different kind of outlook toward consensus and consensus-building.

I wasn't granted an opinion or a voice once I left 3HO. Had I remained in the community, I could have perhaps worked toward changing things by being vocally opposed to practices, but as I felt at the time, I knew that any hope for change was already futile. I'd be better off living my own life on my own terms, and avoiding the imminent threats of an arranged marriage. But with the decision to leave came the loss of my own history, and even culture. I had to relinquish my identity as partly a 3HO Sikh child, partly an individual to the past, and work toward a new and more autonomous identity in order to discover my own personality. Unfortunately it meant turning over my story to those who remained in the community, and who were able and willing to prop up the faith, and frame the discourse through their own lenses.

On the social networking sites, the self identified 3HO sikhs, who make up less than one-third of the "indiakids" population and chatrooms, are routinely hammering on for an across-the-board agreement on our history - be they individual, or group. They are forcing a consensus without the realization that first, a consensus is far from what is actually necessary for healthy discussion, and second, that they will ever get one.

It's a pernicious attempt at writing history from the point of view of the bully pulpit.

An excellent example illustrates how cults force mandatory consensus, or non-democratic, authoritarian process:
"I don't think we went to the same school or grew up in the same community. Whoever Kelly is forgets that they weren't the only one there."

Although we did grow up in the same community, I was the only one there - we all were the only ones there. I remember feeling like I was the only one experiencing an overbearing sense of oppression in my community that I was supposed to be proud to call heritage. And although I was not the only one, when I was forced to do corporal punishments, and when I was beaten and slapped around, I was singled out and alone.

Today it remains a real issue that this voice of the overbearing and loud bully pulpit continues to cast doubt on individual histories that are out there and needing to be recounted, for the sake of our own individual progression and growth.

"It wasn't that bad" does not work anymore for the many individuals born and raised in Sikh Dharma 3HO. If it felt bad, it was bad. No consensus is required.

On punishment

2009-09-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

We were punished a lot. Even before India, at children's camp, we were often given very unreasonable and bizarre punishments. I'll go into those children's camps again soon... Sometimes I think GNFC was actually a haven from those camps - once we were sent off to school, we didn't have to go to camp anymore.

As I process a jumble of memories from that time, when some of us were as young as six years old, I think of our bizarre, and well, cruel and unusual punishments. The most common corporal punishment for the small children at GNFC was murgha (rooster). Murgha was humiliating - we were often singled out by the teachers, sent to the corner and ordered to crouch down, wrap our arms under our knees and pinch our own ears. There were times that a group of children were ordered tot do murgha - when it became a little easier to bare, but then the matron or teacher would still manage to single a kid out and make him or her perform the punishment for a longer, more unreasonable amount than others. The position cuts off circulation to the legs and head and caused dizziness, headaches, and leg aches. If the kids rear-end wasn't low enough, the teacher would hit it with a cane - more punishment.

What were the provocations that led to murgha? Geez, I can barely remember - I remember it being ordered almost randomly, and because of the tiniest infraction, like being last in line or losing your toothbrush. I was actually a good kid, and like I said in previous posts, I managed to stay under the radar. But I remember having to do murgha all the time! It didn't matter if you were a troublemaker or not - the punishment was across the board and systematic.

Murgha is a tradtional punishment (and when I say traditional, I mean, yes, they still make kids do it!). The most sadistic part is that it really only can be done by small children, who are still flexible and skinny!

So I wonder how this Indian tradition fit in with the ideologies of 3HO. When we told our parents what we had to do, they shrugged it off. They had already used other, perhaps less torturous, yoga poses as punishments, and they were already conditioned to throw us into a cold shower, clothes and all - and they thought those things were okay to do, because Yogi Bhajan said it was and in fact was the one to teach it to them.

All three: Murgha, Yoga as punishment, and cold showers ALL fit under the same umbrella of corporal punishment, and in America corporal punishment is abuse. Perhaps it was more convenient for YB to have us be in a land that hadn't considered that yet.

On Vegetarianism

2009-08-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

Growing up in 3HO I was raised a vegetarian. We ate dairy and cheese, but no eggs and we avoided any food with other animal by-products like lard or chicken stock. I'd say that our diets were very strict, health food diets, but not vegan. Yogi Bhajan often instructed his students to go on fasts, usually lasting about six weeks (40 days was "the standard" to "break" a "habit"). I remember one fast that he instructed to women who wanted to lose weight: Drink nothing but Skim Milk mixed with Diet Coke, but that's another topic all-together.

One time, as a child, one of us was served meat by accident and we all started to cry. We had no concept of a world that was indifferent to our vegetarianism.

Organizations that promote vegetarianism are well aware that children are easily frightened and even traumatized by the sight of slaughter and they know that children are unable to disseminate the complex information within such imagery. Yet they knowingly present the information bluntly and unapologetically (it's parallel to the anti-abortion fanatics handing out "literature" outside clinics with tragic imagery of extracted fetuses). I don't agree with the tactic used, and it dismays me to see that the cause for humane treatment of animals has grown far too fanatic and dogmatic.

Growing up in 3HO we too were conditioned to signify meat and any and all animal slaughter with mass violence and savagery. We were implanted with far too violent a picture of the nature of food with complicated politics and causes that we were too young to comprehend. As small children who hadn't developed the skills to act or think rationally, morally or critically, our innocence was exploited and we were conditioned to be traumatized.

A child growing into adolescence may continue to carry this brutal imagery and the big-picture consequences with them for a long time. We become more and more weighed down by the burdens of society, experiencing feelings of guilt for anything that could be harmful in any way, and developing an unbalanced barometer for right and wrong. I think THIS is primarily why it took me a long time to decide to be an omnivore (but not strictly speaking). Today I'm happy that I've given the subject a lot of thought and can comfortably make decisions based on my own intellect and needs.

Because I am someone who is skeptical of, and continually disillusioned by the moral high ground, I know that a one-size-fits-all approach is not for me. Nor is it sensitive to the vastness of cultures around the world that all have the same common ground - food for sustenance and survival. I am dismayed by people who were and still are willing to ignore this very basic truth and buy into diet as religion, suspending logic to extract some kind of meaning from anything their leader tells them, meanwhile separating themselves from others based on irrelevant choices.

I recently read an article about a vegan restaurant which espouses the self-help philosophies of Landmark Forum, and encourages, sometimes even requires employees to spend their own money on Landmark Seminars. The Landmark Forum has been designated a cult by most in the cultic studies and psychology fields.

2009-08-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

Found an interesting blog post by a Kundalini Yoga practitioner.

3HO - Cult or Spiritual Environment?

I'm frankly a bit relieved by the writer's awareness of this issue, because it's rare that someone deeply engaged in the 3HO or Kundalini Yoga community would ever even use the word "cult" in reference to one's self. If you were born and raised in 3HO, I think it would be good to comment on his post because the more information that people have about 3HO's past practices, the better it is for newer members. The side of the story of the 2nd generation adults who have since left to live their lives in broader society is not heard by incoming yoga practitioners/students, I guarantee. Not that it's a cause of mine, but I do feel that total silence is not the way.

2009-08-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

I found this quote on Rick Ross' website and it struck a chord:

"I was researching 3HO for a friend who was asking me about it, and I found this site. I found it interesting, and I'm glad you have it. The group needs to be exposed for what it really is, and not many people have even heard of it. I was born in 3HO, and I spent quite a few years in the ashram in New Mexico. I didn't know I was in a cult. For me it was all so normal. I thought I was a real, genuine Sikh. I loved the Gurus, and I wanted to be holy, even when I was very young. My older brother is the one who had the most difficult time. He went to school in India when he was eight years old. He did not really understand what was happening, and he thought our parents were dead, and that he was an orphan. My parents did not realize how harshly the children were being treated there. He slept in a crowded room with bunk beds and cement floors. He told us there was no bathroom in the dormitory, and the doors were locked at night with a chain. He was beaten quite often, although he was quite a good kid. It occurred to my brother and I later what a strange trick our early years had been. We were born into a world that is not really the 'real world,' and we didn't know it. We were extremely devoted Sikhs, and we learned later that we hadn't even been real Sikhs. When my family left the group, no one knew we were leaving, and we never looked back. We changed our names and started a new life. The people I knew when I was a kid I have never seen since. My brother and I have been really lucky. We've both traveled the world doing humanitarian work, and we've had quite adventurous lives so far. We decided not to become bitter about the past, and we're both quite happy people."

On Given Names

2009-08-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't yet written about the broad issue of the given name. It's an issue that I know plagues a number of young adults born and raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma. Sikh Dharma/3HO converts are given a "spiritual" name, with roots in sanskrit and gurmukhi. My given name was three syllables, plus my middle name kaur and my last name khalsa. Alot of names start with a Sat, Siri or Gur (or both, or even all three!)

Needless to say, once away from 3HO, introductions were not much fun. With names like Satgurschnrub Kaur Khalsa, and so on, one can relate!

I've come to have the opinion that Right-off-the-bat inquiries into the origins of my name are actually nosey and borderline rude, as opposed to when I was younger and really did think someone was truly interested in ME. Lesson? Don't ask someone about their life story when just having been introduced to them seconds ago. For years, in my attempt at evading the saga that was my (our) upbringing, I'd get uncomfortable and squirmy and wound up just wanting who ever it was I was speaking with to go away, leave me alone. Sometimes I used the old "hippie parents" routine, but the dilemma was that I felt compromised, because, well, I know that most hippies still managed to keep their own identities. I'm letting my parents (and their leader) off too easily by dismissing their choices as typical hippie behavior.

But be frank and use the word CULT and your new acquaintance gets a little uncomfortable. Or maybe just a little too intrigued for a first encounter. Either way, it's no solution.

I find myself particularly in a jam when I meet someone from India. They understand my name, easily identify it as Indian and usually translate it for me from whatever language they most easily identify with. They then want to know, and often act as if they are entitled to an explanation. They want to know how a white person with no apparent signs of religious conversion wound up with an Indian name! Desperate to not be pegged as the girl who just discovered yoga and how good her ass looks in yoga pants, yet only managed to expand her knowledge of Hindu culture enough to start going by saraswati, I say "I was born with this name". And then usually that just leads to more questions...

No... Way... Out...
.
.
.
.

Cut to now. I often shorten my name on first encounters, and it suits me, and the situation almost every time.

Video and the Cult Leader

2009-06-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

There are thousands of hours of videotape of Yogi Bhajan's lectures. Every single lecture I ever had to sit in, there was a video camera on record. When I saw the PBS documentary called Jonestown, the reels and reels of raw footage of Jim Jones reminded me of Yogi Bhajan's own narcissism, and I hoped that one day someone will think about revisiting these lectures as a way to understand Yogiji's true motives - to garner disciples, control them, and live in luxury off of their hard earned money.

Today, some of his videos are starting to emerge on Youtube. This one, called Humbleness and Jewelry, exemplifies his rambling, nonsensical, yet authoritarian and often angry diatribes:

(I can't help but mention that the title should be humility and jewelry, as humbleness is not a word).

Here are some more videos relating to 3HO:
For the new recruit, there are lessons on turban tying.

If you're still out there trying to find that special someone, there's plenty of online "matrimonials" sites to sift through (No Dating!).

And once you've snuggled in for the long haul, you've got six videos worth of relationship advice right here.

Here's a funny, satirical video called Mind Control Cults:

Pilgrimage to Hemkund, elev. FIFTEEN THOUSAND FEET

2009-05-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

View GNFC to hemkund in a larger map

My first trip was in 1985 when I was 11. The trip from Mussoorie consisted of two full days on a bus, mostly along a mountain precipice that may or may not have had several land-slides blocking the way, followed by two full days of steep uphill hiking, the second day passing the timberline to a mountain lake with a tin-roofed gurdwara at the top. Sikh Pilgrims are supposed to bathe in the lake, but the window of opportunity is tiny, as mountain fog rolls in by about 1:00 or 2:00 in the afternoon. Also up there is the famous Valley of the Flowers, which is a shorter hike from Gobind Dham.

The altitude really had me on that first '85 trip. The leader of the trip, Nanak Dev Singh seemed like he was specifically there just to "regulate our lazy-asses", and I remember I had made it almost to the top when, at every switchback, I absolutely had to rest - but there he was behind me - with a stick. I was so fatiqued that his harangues didn't even seem to bother me - I seem to remember being poked by his walking stick and it not mattering at all. I remember the bus ride being pretty scary, but exciting and fun too. I had a new silver paint-pen that I used to tag the seats "I wuz here". Nanak Dev caught me and didn't let me leave the bus for lunch (which was Maggie Noodles) until I cleaned it off. I used the chinese white from my watercolor set and took care of it and he bought it. I was surprised that I got one over on him!

The next few pilgrimages were a heck of a lot more fun, but never spiritual - as are most of my memories. The food at Gobind Ghat and Gobind Dham was crap, but tasted so good, and my stamina was far better the older I got. One summer though, was really popular for sikh tourists, and unfortunately that meant the facilities (meaning the bushes lining the trails) were fucking disgusting. This was not American hiking - In an Indian pilgrimage, everyone goes, regardless of age, ability, or fitness level. There are orderlies and porters, donkeys and mules for any and every kind of transportation, for ones own belongings, supplies going back and forth between villages, and even people. The very small fit into a snug little basket that a man carries on his back, and the very large usually sit on a platform that is carried by four men - like a palanquin or something.

at GNFC: the teachers

2009-04-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

In my years at GNFC school, I and my classmates were routinely harangued by our teachers. They did not understand that we children had just been dropped into a foreign culture, a society with very different rules, behaviors, conventions, languages, and politics. For instance, as American we were accustomed to raise our hand if we wanted to ask teacher a question. But we didn't ever have to ask permission to enter a classroom.

I remember 3rd grade as just a series of mimicking the Indian kids, so as to avoid a teacher freak-out or a beating. In India a student was expected to stand at the entry of a classroom, hold out a straight arm, palm down, and say: "Ma'am may I come in?". At the start of class when the teacher walks in the whole class stands up and sings "Good Morning Ma'am, and Thank You Ma'am". I clearly remember NEVER being taught this, or prepped for it, yet assimilating to it immediately. Our meal prayer was "For what... we are... about to receive... Oh Lord... make us... tobetrulythankful" - for a long time I had no idea what I was saying, but I mumbled it anyway. At the end of every meal we had to stand up and say "We Thank Thee Oh Lord for Food and Thy Fellowship". Japji Sahib was recited every day, before breakfast, in a droning monotonous chant, to the point where I think I remember the way it was chanted more than the hymn itself.

It didn't matter how much of these cultural norms we did assimilate to. According to the teachers, us Americans, remained "hooligans". The fact that we had not been trained like monkeys to anticipate and cower, was mortifying to them. They were conditioned, and perhaps took for granted, that children feared and respected them. They weren't prepared for children who weren't raised with that concept. But it was we who were on the receiving end of their sticks. A common mantra of theirs was "Who could have possibly raised such a rude child", or some kind of insult to our parents, which made us feel even worse because we missed them so much.

Ironically, but not to credit their intolerance, they may just have had a point. We kinda did have irresponsible parents. They didn't raise us responsibly - they let a stranger dictate to them, step by step, what to do with their own lives and with our lives. They listened when Yogi Bhajan ordered them to swap us around, and they obeyed when he told them to send us half way around the world. They obeyed him when he ordered us to stay there, even when we wanted to come home.

If we were hooligans, it was because we were left to our own devices.

Cartwheels in a Sari

2009-04-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

Listening to the author of "Cartwheels in a Sari", Jayanti Tamm on NPR this morning. I'm gonna grab a copy for myself, and if you were raised in 3HO or any other high demand religious group, where your spiritual teacher claimed to have a direct connection with God, maybe it's worth a read. The parallels are astouding!

Yogi Bhajan on Wiki

2009-03-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

Yogi Bhajan's page on Wikipedia has some GEMS. For example, he was "the son of a graceful mother". Who knew?

An excerpt on his attitude toward homosexuality reads:

"...Yogi Bhajan at first was shocked by the phenomenon. Through the 1970s and early 1980s, Yogi Bhajan taught that the condition could be cured through intensive yoga and self-analysis. By the late 1980s, however, Yogi Bhajan resigned himself to the conclusion that "sometimes God goofs" and puts men into women's bodies and vice versa."
--Yogi Bhajan, Comparative, Comprehensive Communication, Eugene, OR, 3HO Transcripts, 1980, pp. 102-3, 221

So, according to him a gay person is one of nature's mistakes? If the 3HO today, or anybody following his teachings whatsoever make any claims to being tolerant, then they had better denounce this statement openly and publicly. Go ahead, use my comments section to do it.

Next, here's my reasoning for why I consider 3HO to have characteristics of "doomsday" cults:

^ quote: "So normally on this Earth, 90% of people will be crazy. I am not making a prediction. It is a truth that will be seen by any of you living to that age. Everybody will be funny, you know. You will never be in a position to determine why somebody is angry, why somebody doesn't want to see you, why somebody doesn't want to love you, why somebody has come and given you two or three slaps and kicked you out of the house... nothing you will be in a position to imagine. Unpredictable actions of the human being will be the common trend in social living. This will be the new human race."
--Yogi Bhajan lecture April 12, 1973, published as "The Blue Gap" in Beads of Truth, Issue 22, March 1974, p. 25

You know, I don't even have to give a footnote on why that statement is so absurd! But really, I have memories of Yogi Bhajan preparing us for the "apocolyptical" aquarian age, including rifle and handgun target practice, "survival" camps, KWTC (Khalsa Women's Training Camp), having ashrams arm themselves, and finally, military school for some of the 2nd generation. Around the time when I was in the military school, all he lectured about was the "Aquarian Age" and how we'd better prepare for it. To prepare for it usually required ridiculous dieting and long meditation sessions that involved pointing fingers in some direction "to align" our auras. Of course, if you did prepare yourself (the way he instructs) for the upcoming change in ages, you would be one of the rare people to have the pleasure of living in a blissful utopia.

Why would a "spiritual teacher" make predictions of a doomsday nature? Well, first it's because he's not really a spiritual teacher, he was the leader of a de-facto cult, and it's in order to keep disciples feeling dependent on them for their very survival. As long as they are in a state of dependency, members don't question his decisions, they assume they are for the benefit of themselves, and the group as a unit.

I will provide reading material later, or until then, go to:
www.factnet.org
www.icsahome.com

2009-03-07T16:59:00.000-08:00

So, because of the nature of my gmail name, I get targeted banner ads that Google thinks are customized to my profile. I don't know why, I don't have anything set. I guess it's just the nature of my goofy email address: sat gur schnrub

I've gotten yoga ads, spirituality ads, kirtan and other devotional music ads, and now I'm getting MIRI PIRI ACADEMY ads!

Anyway... needless to say it is all very annoyingly IRONIC.

Kinda like Harry Potter, but not...

2009-02-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

I remember my first day at GNFC very well. We arrived at lunchtime, after a grueling train, bus and taxi ride up to Mussoorie. They were serving Rajmah Dal, chapatis and rice in the upstairs, well-lit senior dining hall. The food was good - I made burritos out of the beans and chapatis and thought, if this is school life, it aint so bad. Then we got our school numbers and house assignments - this was all very foreign for me, as I was only familiar with US public schools. There were Nalwa House (gold), Ranjit House (sky blue) and Attari House (maroon). The next year, Ajit House was formed, and was navy blue. I remember being psyched because someone told me I was in Attari - who wouldn't want to be in the house named after the videogame!

In actuality the houses refer to Sikh heroes/martys: Maharaja Ranjit Singh, Hari Singh Nalwa, Shaam Singh Attari and Sahibzada Ajit Singh... snooooze... and, well, I did not end up in Attari house. But whatever house you did wind up in, the kids in other houses always seemed to have more fun, be more together, get more food, less beatings, etc.

Here's how I remember it breaking down: Ranjit house had all the goody-two-shoes, clean kids. Attari House had all the aggro athletes, but not as many smart kids. Nalwa had the brainy kids, but not much athletic clout. And Ajit house usually came 4th in everything, but somehow turned losing into solidarity for one another.

Attari House at PT competition.
For this most ridiculous "sport", we had to get up early and practice every single day: Dung, tak-tak, Dung, tak-tak, Dung, tak-tak...

Don't Nettle

2009-02-03T14:47:00.000-08:00

This morning I was chatting with someone about nostalgia. It's so hard not to get a bit nostalgic about India when confronted with cute kid pictures, mostly of us posturing or posing and having fun, or like the silly one above. But still, the letters of the not fun times come in to me steadily enough to be reminded of the fuck-upness of it.

What also is being revealed slowly is a current between 2nd generationers' patterns of recurring dreams having to do with India. I myself have a recurring dream. Often times in the dream there are a classmates who possess more enthusiasm for the program in India, and currently remain in the community. In my dream their persona and behavior is overbearing, and I am feeling marginalized and stressed out by it. I think they represent the overly fanatic dogmatic side of 3HO, and the message that one was a failure by not "getting with the program".

Some of the ones in my dreams are in reality to this day saying "Speak for yourself, but I was never abused". Lucky them to feel that way, but they are wrong and they are actually just attempting to invalidate others' experience by negating or denying their own. There were some that were given the opportunity to be henchmen or a cronies, and have since developed habits that embrace and even perpetuate authoritarianism and militancy.

If even one kid gets hit or assaulted by an adult - it's an abusive environment! Bottom line. Is the dirty sock picture not proof enough?

Dirty Socks

2009-01-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

What kind of sadistic (and moronic) fuck would punish kids by making them stuff filthy socks in their mouths and then TAKE A PICTURE OF IT?

Nanak Dev Singh, that's who!

After seeing this photo I am of course reminded of my own filthy condition as a kid at GNFC, and how humiliating it often was. We were not given laundry service regularly - sometime it would be months before the Dhobi Wala showed up. And when Dhobi did happen, our clothes were often lost or destroyed. Most of the time we had to wash our own clothes by hand with cold water. We usually sent off our uniforms, but our socks, underwear, and private clothes were too important to risk getting lost. For that, we were expected to purchase our own detergent, buckets, scrub brushes, etc. and do our wash on our own personal time. This was as young as eight and nine years old!

Hey, we may have had grime build-up, but as far as I'm concerned, that's not a crime. Abusing and neglecting children is.

P.S. Thank you to the person who posted this snapshot, and I apologize if it has been used outside of its intended context. I do not post it out of inconsideration for the individuals who actually suffered this treatment. I post it as a resource. We all went through this kind of thing, and to be honest, I am glad there photographic evidence of it still exists.

On Tolerance

2008-12-31T10:08:00.001-08:00

For anybody that's been able to catch the recent flick "Milk", there's probably no doubt that questions of the tolerance within your own family, friends, religion or culture would arise. Growing up in the ashram, I had to listen to a lot of homophobic, ignorant and intolerant remarks about homosexuality. To be fair, I had to listen to a lot of ignorant comments about people living in mainstream society - people who drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and do recreational drugs, people who listen to heavy metal, rap or techno. And, it was mostly from my own family that I heard the homophobic sentiments and ignorant name calling.

3HO describes itself as a "tolerant" community. I'm not really sure what exactly they mean by this, because there is little diversity within 3HO. In the 70's it grew out of the conversion of white, christian-born hippies of the 60's, and has since spread through different regions of the world, mostly within christian cultures. They preached tolerance for other religious beliefs, while maintaining rigid superiority for their own faith, and a VERY rigid attitude towards lifestyle. Lifestyle choices were not among the list of things to be tolerant of.

Once a person joins, and becomes assimilated with 3HO, any chance for real development and growth ceases, and the individual is left to grapple with (or ignore) his or her hang-ups, phobias, neurosis, and even mental disorders. If one was homophobic before entering the group, chances of changing his attitude mid-way through life among the group are unlikely, and lingering sentiments remain and continue to be perpetuated.

While I don't think it's fair to label every member of 3HO a homophobe, I do think there is a shared responsibility. As an adolescent, 3HO really hit me hard was when one of my own generation acknowledged that he was gay. He was cast out by his mother and step-father and left to support himself in his late teens. Never having been given a foundation in the first place to live in mainstream society, in addition to being told he had no place among his family because of his sexual orientation, he floundered and suffered with addiction for quite some time. The community was not there for him. Even with empathy, if he didn't feel he had a place among the elder generation, how could he have confided in his own?

This is when the question started coming up among 2nd generationers: Where exactly does 3HO stand on the issue of homosexuality? When a 2nd generation member asked Bibiji (Yogi Bhajan's wife and current authority figure on policy) about the official policy towards gays in the community and whether gay marriage could be administered in the sikh temple, the answer was: "We welcome people of all lifestyles, but we will not perform a same-sex marriage in our Gurdwara". That's the litmus test on tolerance.

Since a member of 3HO's lifestyle is dictated to them by Yogi Bhajan, who has lectured on pretty much everything from brushing your teeth, to sex, food, thoughts, etc, they began to truly believe that homosexuality is wrong for some but okay for others. Among the sex talks he does go into why gay sex for men isn't yogic, but why gay sex for women is sublime by citing some hokus pokus mystical yogic gobbledy-gook. Unwilling to look further, the community does not see that it has nothing to do with being gay, nor are they able to identify that these are his fetishistic issues.

By blindsiding otherwise tolerant individuals with myths, he's done actual harm by generating an entire community which has been okay with institutionalizing homophobia. The blame lies in him and his "policy team", aka Khalsa Council - for even one second generation child, teen or adult who has been disenfranchised for who they are, and had to suffer for it. It's the kind of pain that no one ever deserves, yet perpetuates among so many cultures, and needs to change especially among any "new religious movement" that preaches tolerance.

But it's a cult, so how can one expect anything other than absurdity? True, they don't even come close to right wing christian groups or the mormons who have done immense damage, but I do think that individual damages do need to be accounted for.

"Hinglish" ???

2008-12-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

There's Spanglish, there's Engrish, but what's the word for mixing English and Hindi? Have there been any coined terms? As a native English speaker, who eventually learned broken Hindi and Punjabi, I am curious to know.

The little I know of Hindi and Punjabi is in spite of the learning of languages having been severely hindered by the moronic teaching style of a very belligerent and unprepared faculty. Our Hindi/Punjabi classes consisted of this: Teachers would help the whole class memorize the alphabets and vowels. We became able at constructing phonetic words into Hindi/Punjabi text. Once we were marginal at reading and writing phonetically, the teachers considered their mission accomplished and phoned it in from there on out. We were expected to fully understand structure, grammar and full bodies of text in both languages. And in the exams we were expected to read and comprehend the questions, answer them correctly, in paragraph form, in Hindi/Punjabi, with marks deducted for incorrect spelling and grammar and even content. I'm not sure I can even get across how preposterous it was.

So the majority of us cheated. The honor-roll kids "mugged up", meaning they memorized every question and answer verbatim so that they could at least pass. But not one American kid had their sights set on getting high marks in Hindi/Punjabi. I had a classmate who refused to participate in this kind of stupidity, so in the exams she signed her name to a blank page, slammed it on the teacher's desk, and stormed out. She didn't care if she failed - the teachers failed us, and she wanted to make that point. Sometimes I wrote my answers in English using the Hindi/Punjabi alphabet to prove another point all-together.

Most of the Hindi/Punjabi teachers were a-holes about it and had no problem failing us. Still, certain Hindi words found their places in our own vernacular. "Don't be a cunjoossie" was popular and the word cunjoossie, which means stingy, turned into an english adjective: "cunjoossed" - as in "You're so cunjoossed". "Chappal", the Hindi word for sandal/flip-flop/thong, was a word that was impossible to resist using daily. "WHERE ARE MY CHAPPALS?" -- "HAS ANYONE SEEN MY CHAPPALS?" ... every morning.

In town, I read all the Hindi signage and billboards I could. If I wasn't gonna get it in class, I may as well try on the streets. The joke was on me when a word I just expended a lot of effort to spell out turned out to be English! Like "Tarzan" or "Telephone" in the case of Bidi's (those cheap cigarettes wrapped in leaves).

One of my favorite words is "chumchi", still used to this day, for lack of any good English counterpart. A chumchi is like what Smithers is to Mr. Burns: A die-hard ass-kisser who thinks they have more to gain by sucking up to one powerful person, even if it's at the expense of friendship with anyone. At boarding school, there were plenty of chumchis.

Amritsar 1983

2008-11-28T16:58:00.000-08:00

Images of India float around the web. They bring up a lot of conflicting feelings. There we are smiling for the camera. Smiling for our parents back home, not yet knowing how disassociated we would become from them. It's taken a long to time to have a parent/child relationship again - but now we're adults! so we settle for being family.

Agoraphobia

2008-11-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

Black Friday. In the wee hours of the morning after Thanksgiving day, throngs, hoards and mobs of people storm the doors of big box stores all over America. Today at a Walmart in Long Island, these "shoppers" trampled a worker TO DEATH. Read the article here and be prepared to be utterly disgusted with humanity. At least that's how I feel.

It brings to mind the scenario at the GNFC Shangrila Cafe (pronounced "caff"). The caff opened a couple times a week and was the only place to spend our GNFC issued pocket money. The currency was bright pink chits that translated one to one, and we got like ten rupees every couple of weeks. So, being useless anywhere else in Mussoorie, every fuschia-fisted student eagerly awaited the caff's occasional opening. It was situated on the rear slope of the dining hall, had a large terrace and a tiny, ten foot by eight foot room with the store counter that was manned by just one person, usually one of the food servers.

If the worker showed up on time and you got in and out before the throngs showed up you were not only smart, you were lucky. If you could break-in during off hours you were even more cunning and deserving of the treats inside. But, usually they opened about an hour late, and the waiting crowd would just grow and grow. Then when it finally opened it was a football riot. Little girls trampled, pushed, shoved, shouted, sweated, cried, and sweared just to spend their meager pocket money on a soda or some chips. "Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!"

Memories of the caff are some of most frightening and dreadful ones while at Shangrila. Here we were - malnourished and underfed - being reduced to a greedy mob of rats willing to hurt one another for the chance at some shitty junk food. It was useless, but it didn't matter - once you were half-way up to the front, there was no going back, especially because you were stuck. You just had to ride the waves of the pulsing mob.

Janja Lalich on Jonestown

2008-10-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

Janja Lalich, PhD, author of "Cults in our Midst", gave the keynote speech a the International Cultic Studies Association and forwarded a copy which is now online.

In the beginning of her speech she talks mostly about Jonestown, and the question cult leaders pose to their followers: "Would you die for me?"

When I watch video footage of Jim Jones, I am reminded of the behavior of Yogi Bhajan. An immediate and strong reaction is triggered. How did 900 of Jones' followers die, when none of Yogi Bhajan's have? Could it just have been the luck of the draw? Or is it possible that two such similarly charismatic characters differed so greatly - that one wanted death to all, and one wanted to spare it? Is there any tangible evidence that Yogi Bhajan was as coercive as Jim Jones was - evidence that reflects my own exclusive and specific reaction to Jones?

Yes. The tangible evidence is that Yogi Bhajan went everywhere with a bodyguard who was ready and willing to kill or be killed in order to save his life. I was told as a child that Yogi Bhajan had had several attempts made on his life, and so from there on out he needed protection - for the good of the dharma. I was told that the people who threatened him were "crazy and obsessed", or "couldn't move on".

Bottom line is, I don't know if there is any actual proof that attempts were made to hurt or kill him. But I do know that many people, some second generationers, were expected to guard him with their lives, and perhaps die for him.

On Lifestyle and Autonomy

2008-09-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

Many Kundalini Yoga students came across Yogi Bhajan during the last years of his life when he was very infirm and didn't speak in public as much. Most of his teaching was remote, via pre-recorded, and pretty old, videotape. For the Kundalini Yoga students who never had the pleasure to meet Yogi Bhajan, I can only imagine they have canonized him, but I do find it difficult to see how anyone could sit through his cryptic and nonsensical lectures, where most of the time there was nary a complete sentence uttered.

Not long ago, but before he died in 2004, I was in Española, attending a friend's wedding. My mother wanted me to say hello to him so I reluctantly went up to him. He said "I know you". Well, that was sort of the way it always was - people would tell me how much he cared about each and every child in 3HO, but half the time, we were treated as total strangers, and I'm not even sure him or his wife, or his staff, knew our names! But he also said it as if he was still exerting some form of control, as if he was saying that although I've removed the turban, my "disguise" hadn't really worked (he often called normal attire and cut hair a disguise).

That's when I witnessed someone approach him and literally BOW to him and kiss his feet. We were always instructed as kids to touch his feet when he passed - but never to "worship" - well what I saw that day was pure worship, and he did not refuse. For the majority of my life, he was more royalty than what he claimed to be as "one of us". He wore a white robe, often of ostentatious fabrics like damask silk or ornately quilted silks and he wore huge jewels. Sometimes he even wore fur, which was puzzling to me as a kid who was being raised, under his edict, to be a vegetarian. When I asked my mom why he wore fur, she told me he had blessed the animal who sacrificed its life and granted its soul liberation.

although the educated side of me knows how the system for recruiting new members into a cult works, it's still beyond me how anyone could fall for it - when the hypocrisy is right in front of our faces. The less rational side (or maybe the more rational side) remains baffled, probably because I've developed a high level of skepticism.

Bottom line, is Kundalini Yoga (the 3HO stuff) is just this: heavy breathing, calisthenics and modified asanas and chanting. There's nothing to disprove that breath and movement make one feel better, so I think new recruits are willing to take the chanting as sort of a package deal. But what they may not see is that it's the package deal that's the biggest hoax on the practitioner. It's reeling them in, forcing edicts and dogmas as lifestyle.

Lifestyle is what you make of your own life. How can a set of prescribed dogmas be likened at all as lifestyle! Autonomy cannot be underscored more here!

Letter to Siri Akal

2008-09-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from an email I sent to Siri Akal, who was headmaster of GRD Academy, the first of a series of 3HO led boarding schools in India, est. 1989. It's been a few months now, and he has yet to reply. I figured, since he probably doesn't care, why not just publish it for everyone to see? He is now headmaster of Chapel Hill Chauncey Hall Boarding School

..."You may feel like it's ancient history, as you've moved on and are now headmaster at another boarding school (big surprise!), but you need to know what it was like for us as children. First off, all children in 3HO were considered public property, therefore any adult stranger felt they had the right to discipline any child, for any reason. I know that this was a system set in place by Yogi Bhajan - and I do know the coercive tactics that were used by him and his inner circle. That being said, EVERY adult who was put in charge of children had a responsibility to protect those children and to comfort them and show them love and affection - all qualities that were severely lacking while at both GNFC and GRD. Us children were placed thousands of miles away from their parents, in a foreign and institutionally abusive environment. The American "guides" should have been there to protect us - yet is was the American "guides" that I loathed and feared the most. If it wasn't physical assault or battery upon one of us, it was the condoning of corporal punishment and public humiliation, and on top of that almost daily emotional abuse. When I was a teenager, at GRD, had a little more autonomy and was therefore less susceptible to your methods, I'd observe YOU ridiculing and harassing 7 and 8 years-olds, publicly humiliating them and tormenting them. These were little children!!

"I have clear memories of many a "lecture" from either yourself or Hari Kaur. As an adult, I now know those lectures were pointless exercises in emotional abuse upon a child. There was no productive purpose. But what it felt like as a child was someone "reaming" me emotionally, telling me I was no good, that I was ugly, that I was fat, and that I was a slut.

"I think that by far the worst treatment by yourself and Hari Kaur was in your attitude towards the girls - The whole school was told, by you during breakfast, that NONE of us deserved to have food because we were all "too fat", meanwhile the boys were given more food. We were told by both of you that we were "ungraceful" sluts if we were seen even so much as holding hands with a boy. The ones of us who showed the highest in scholastic achievement were told we weren't "smart enough", and were often ridiculed in class if our answers were wrong, meanwhile half a dozen boys were being allowed to skip a grade (not that it was a great service to any of them today). If there is any one common memory of all the 2nd generation women raised in 3HO, it's that we were systematically and repeatedly told that "if we didn't behave like shaktis" we would wind up as prostitutes, drug addicts, the list goes on. The emotional impact that these kinds of messages send to young girls is devastating to say the least, and 3HO should consider itself very lucky that the majority of us as grown women are strong, independent, self sufficient feminists - IN SPITE of this treatment. However the hurdles that many of us have had to overcome as a clear result of institutionalized and repeated neglect, abuse, trauma and chaos are not to be overlooked or diminished.

"I hope this letter helps to send the message that all is not well, and shan't be until the adults responsible take some accountability for their very poor behavior while in India."

Halloween, 1984

2008-07-17T18:00:00.001-07:00

It's hard to realize or even be aware of congruent events in one's life until hindsight makes them clear. One of the things that I can recall about being a child in 3HO was this feeling of foggy confusion around what grown-ups were doing and discussing, and around big international events that seemed to be relevant to our "way of life".

The biggest and scariest event while in India was the assassination of the Prime Minister Indira Ghandi by her Sikh bodyguards. This took place on October 31, 1984, and from our perspective (the 3HO kids at GNFC) it seemed like the beginning of World War Three. Much confusion and fear revolved around this incident for us as kids, and most, if not all, of the facts were concealed from us. When we wanted to know why "our people" would do that, I remember being told that they weren't really Sikhs, they were just dressed up like Sikhs.

One of the facts that strikes me as particularly scary is that in 1982 and 83 (the same time those photos below were taken) we were housed literally in the very same hostel, Nanak Nivas, as some seriously controversial and leading figures in the Khalistan Separatist Movement - the very same folks who plotted her assassination. One such character was Jarnail Singh Bindranwale, who resided there from 1982 until December 1983 when he and his "army" then took residence in the Golden Temple/Akal Takht, ultimately leading to Operation Blue Star, a move by Indira Ghandi that quickened the spiral of upheaval in Punjab. After her assassination, we were not permitted to travel to Punjab until 1990.

If it hadn't been my very first visit to India, and if I hadn't been so young, it's possible I'd be aware that being in Amritsar full of armed guards wasn't the normal way of life. But because the adults had been told they were in good company, I think I and the others disassociated from the possibilities of real violence and came to accept that India was simply a volatile place, and that's the way it was going to be, "It's better than America". (as a footnote, the armed militia and policemen were little threat compared to the onslaughts and harangues of Nanak Dev and his goons).

Our coping mechanisms during that time shaped many behaviors and coping mechanisms in the coming years. We knew how to survive, but we disassociated from trying to know what was going on on the political front. I've had to search my own memories and juxtapose them with the events of the time - but all I remember is confusion. I try not to become totally angry all over again at how our parents could have not only placed their children in the care of such a diabolical, manipulative, troll, but then willingly and knowingly plunked us down into a war zone and kept us there for a decade longer!

GNFC circa 1983

2008-07-03T15:40:00.001-07:00

Posing for group photos was agonizing! It always took the photographer forever to set up, and right when he'd get ready he'd say "Ready... Steady... ...no hold on..." It was hot, we had be dressed in "bana", but usually by the time a couple of frames were shot half of us were too loopy to put on "the show". The top one was taken with Nanak Dev Singh (pictured on the far right in full regalia), and the blue outfits were part of showing off our gatka skills in pretty much every Punjabi town we showed up in. That's him on the far right. I have some good shots of me as little little kid, where all us little kids had to form a chain circle to stop the massive crowd from encroaching into the performance area. You don't know what a crowd is until you've been to India, much less a parade, or jalous in India.

The good thing is that I think maybe there's as few as four or five people out of both crowds are still involved in 3HO. Four or five too many, but looks like natural selection will take care of that.

The "guides"

2008-06-18T11:52:00.001-07:00

Nanak Dev Singh wasn't the only adult in India to inflict abuses on us children. The list of "guides" is long and exhausting, each person accountable for some loathsome memory of mine, be it neglect, indifference, public humiliation, emotional abuse or coercive tactics.

I've spent many sessions with my family recounting the rediculous and immature behavior of the "Singh Sahibs" and "Bhenjis" in India, and at summer survival camps. While my own parents lamented poor behavior and treatment, they have never actually confronted any of these "guides", or taken personal responsibility for their roles. What they have been good at however, is creating drama: sometimes they cry, sometimes they say "I'm sorry you think I was such a bad parent", sometimes they get overly angry at us - but in the end, it's usually me feeling bad for them.

There was a narrow time in my pre-teens that I felt that my own family loved me for who I genuinely was: a creative, fun and easygoing kid. I was encouraged artistically, I was given affection and care. I was fed amazing food and watched cool old movies and listened to good rock n' roll (with them!). To sum it up, all of my positive memories involved NO religion - I was genuinely a secular kid - as most kids are. I wasn't interested in the supernatural, the metaphysical or the mystical, or being a "shakti" or any of that.

Later, I can now recount, Yogi Bhajan clearly felt his grasp on us, the "future of the Khalsa", slipping. He tightened his control, he used more coercive tactics and abusive language. With me, he first tried to reign me in as an "insider", someone who maybe would feel special with extra attention, and would stick around to do his bidding. When that didn't work (thank god!) he verbally assaulted and abused me and then cast me out. He made the community see me as someone who was "troubled". Even though I had won, I felt like a castaway and that I had lost everything. And he made my whole family ostracize me - those who I had loved so dearly and looked up to so much, now proved themselves at that time to be trite individuals - they may have loved me and nourished me for a brief period, but it was only because they had hopes of me carrying out their religious agenda. Then it turned into resentment towards me when I openly and publicly disagreed with Yogi Bhajan.

Now I know that it wasn't just me as a kid who was genuinely secular. I am still that person today, and I'm often surprised at how, in spite of numerous attempts to reign me in with emotional abuses and threats of falling apart and failing, that my own will power and tenacity had kept me autonomous. Honestly though? Will power and tenacity are exhausting - and I'm ready to live a life in which the anxiety and self doubt don't creep up anymore, a life where I'm genuinely confident in my self, my actions and my behavior.

on forgiveness...

2008-05-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness, I am told, is an important part in healing, letting go and moving on. But I don't think it's fair to be "expected" to forgive when the individual perpetrators have not been available to take responsibility for their actions upon children. None of us know what currently goes on in the minds of the adults who treated us poorly, neglected us, or abused us. How can I possibly begin to presume that they feel any sense of personal responsibility?

I do know that Nanak Dev Singh does not. He's off in Germany attempting to lead his own little "gatka" cult. In this way, I presume his Euro followers are not aware that he used to beat up on kids and that if they found out they would not follow him or take his classes. Since Yogi Bhajan's death many members of 3HO (the ones who considered themselves part of his elite inner circle) are going off to new "frontiers" and gathering new followers. Maybe, just maybe, Americans are starting to wise up to all this cult shit, seeing that many yoga teachers are nothing but a bunch of hypocritical phonies who just want to fuck their students and preach about a "lifestyle" they know nothing about. Alot of people take yoga not to be inundated with religious dogma, yet find themselves in that inevitable situation.

I know I have experienced that even outside of the 3HO community. Almost every yoga class I've been to has some form of preachy-culty-dogma attached.

...Oh wait I was supposed to be talking about forgiveness. The whole roundabout discussion is just a window into the human condition: people will continue to exploit people and children. It does not make me any "better" a person to forgive abhorrent behavior. Forgiveness is only possible when it's a two-way street, so in no way do I feel that I owe it to myself to forgive some bastard for being abusive. I feel there are better ways to move on.

It takes a village...

2008-04-26T12:19:00.001-07:00

It is very common within cults (of all types) to raise children communally. The leader takes a basic notion "It takes a village" and twists it into dictatorial orders that go against what most see to be important in basic child-rearing and child development. A healthy bond between parent and child is crucial in developing basic human traits like trust and hope. This being ruptured in a cult environment weakens both parent and child, making both more dependent on the leader - sort of like a perpetual state of childhood.

An ex-3HO adult mentioned that they were led to understand that communal child-rearing was the norm in Indian Culture, and therefore the reason for it within 3HO. But one of the biggest eye-openers for me having been sent to India at such a young age, away from the romantic notions of my parents, was that I was able to see Indian and Sikh culture for what is really was. And today as an adult, I am able to differentiate between the two - that 3HO, in no way resembles Indian culture or traditional Sikh culture.

In reality, it is not the Indian culture to simply refer to any adult in one's community as "auntie" or "uncle" (as this adult mentioned in a message to me). Indian culture highly emphasizes the nuclear and extended family as a unit, but total strangers are not treated as family willy-nilly. At GNFC the Indian students did not refer to their teachers and matrons as "auntie" or "uncle", they were "Ma'am" and "Sir". While Hierarchy is emphasized with age and class, there simply is no umbrella term for just any adult. Roles are far more clear than what the 3HO adults may have been led to believe. Yogi Bhajan used misunderstood notions of an exotic and far off land and twisted them to his benefit.

Letter from another second generation adult raised in 3HO

2008-04-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

This email came to me today (although the author did not feel the need for anonymity, I've taken the liberty of removing a name).

"I grew up in 3H0 and went through all of it from the time I was seven years old.

"The more I read accounts from others, the more I realize that my inability to cope in alot of areas in my life now ( I'm now 32) are not unique to me alone. You'd think that not being alone would be some sort of comfort, but for me it's not. It's just a reminder that there were alot of us being abused and year after year nothing was ever done. No one ever stood up for us to get it stopped, not our parents or anyone. They all either just ignored it or didn't believe us when we tried to tell them what was really going on.

"I could probably spend days recounting my experiences, but for now I'll just say that the abuses were brutal and personal and extremely damaging.

"I was younger during Nanak Dev's reign of terror, so I luckily didn't encounter him much, but I got it from other adults both Indian and American and from other kids.

"And I got it from Yogi Bhajan back in the US after I left India as well. He managed to make me out to be some sort of criminal thereby isolating me completely from my friends and peers and from my parents. It's been so many years now and I've done lots of searching for some way to be OK now, and it all just lingers on and on, making it nearly impossible for me to be happy or trusting or open at all.

"I've done alot of really great things over the years that I'm really proud of, but it feels empty as if I'm waiting for some sort of validation from someone or somewhere that I know doesn't exist, yet I keep waiting for it. There aren't alot of us who truly talk about this stuff or who openly admit that it's affected us as much as it has. For some reason, we still cling to the notion that 'what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger' bullshit attitude. Well, I for one, am not stronger. I'm just really good at faking it most of the time. It makes me unbearbly sad when I think about it all. And, I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't want anyone else who was there to be sad anymore either.

"We were dealt a very unjust hand in our young lives and there are very real people who are to blame who must know how badly they affected us. At least I hope they know. Maybe it's time we tell them? Maybe it's time we get apologies, not excuses.

"I don't know, all I do know is that I struggle everyday to just be OK. To get up and go to work, to know that I am worth every effort and that I deserve to be happy. I just want anyone else who experienced 3H0 the way I did that you too deserve every happiness. And talking about it does actually help a bit and there are people who will listen.

"So, I hope you take good care Kelly. Thank you so much for letting me add my bit.

--S."

Nanak Dev Singh

2008-04-19T12:51:00.001-07:00

The winter of 1984 was particularly hard. Most children spent the winter break at Rishikesh in a dorm-style bungalow. The American Sikh converts who were appointed to live with us in India were referred to as “Singh-Sahib” (for the men) or “Bhenji”(for the ladies). These were “the guides”. The guides had little to no experience working with children and volunteered to travel to India on this program on very meager pay. The guide who was the most abusive was Nanak Dev Singh. He was meant to be the authority over everyone. He had executive order above all others, and well, if they didn’t agree with him, he would bully them into acquiescence.

Our daily routine began with waking up at 3:30 AM to take a freezing cold shower followed by Morning Prayer. At Prayer Nanak Dev Singh would whack us with a stick if our spines weren’t straight, or if we feel asleep. He loomed over us during meals, teasing children and haranguing. Then he led the children in some sort of Sikh martial art or athletic activity. He verbally abused and taunted all the children and he physically abused several children both boys and girls. He physically assaulted a girl behind closed doors and poundend on her chest and back causing serious bruising and welts. This incident was just total confusion from my perspective, but I remember bigger kids guarding the door where he had enclosed her to assault her. Looking back, his assault was pre-meditated, to the point where he had the wherewithal to lock her in a room and have the door guarded.

When a child didn’t respond to his harangues, he humiliated her (or him) in front of everyone and made her carry around a twenty-pound stone called an EGO ROCK so everyone would know she was punished. After he assaulted my friend, he made her carry around one of these stones for about one month. This practice even became a trend among the rest of the singh-sahibs and bhenjis. It got so bad, a seven year old was made to carry around the ego-rock. She dropped it and it broke her toe.

Although abuse was institutional, Nanak Dev Singh is personally responsible a majority of it, including most of the harshest assaults. It is my belief that he is culpable for most or all of diagnosed and undiagnosed cases of Post Traumatic Stress.

Nanak Dev Singh currently lives overseas, and most people want nothing to do with him. But I say, don't let him duck away so easily - email him - his email is: nkhalsa2@arcor.de and website.

I remember wanting nothing more than to coast under his radar, avoiding his randomly selected harangues and blow-outs. One time he did sneak up behind me, grabbed me by the throat and said "relax or I'll snap your neck". But my memory of the particular abuse incidents is mostly that of feeling major confusion – never knowing the details, never knowing what would come next, and experiencing crippling fear around him. My only guess how he got away with his tyranny is that is was sanctioned by Yogi Bhajan.

GNFC

2008-04-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

Being at a boarding school at such a young age was not easy, although it was at times fun. It did get more nerve-wracking the older I got, and the more independent I became, which I think was a sign that I was healthier than I thought, and ready to live my own life.

Every day for the first years we were there, we were hit with a switch by our dorm matrons. Every day we received knuckle whacks by our teachers. Every day someone in the dining hall would get whacked on the top of the head with a serving spoon. Everyday we got dragged around by our earlobes.

One year the debate team even had to take on the adage “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child”. Pity the children who had to come up with the pros of getting beaten. But in this institution, corporal punishment by seniors on to juniors was encouraged. I think it must have been about instilling a sense of false empowerment, thus encouraging the vicious cycle of abuses.

I was not athletic, not particularly popular, but not particularly unpopular. I spent my days avoiding the bullies, teachers and especially the American “guides”, who always seemed to find me and proceed to psycho-analyze some flaw of mine. The older I got, the more I stuck to activities like drawing, reading, playing cards, skateboarding, listening to rock n’ roll on my walkman (when I had batteries), or drinking tea. I did little studying but managed to get good grades. I consider myself one of the more fortunate ones because I could coast pretty well. Not all children could adapt to life without their parents – and these were the ones that I really feel for – somehow these children were the target of multiple daily abuses and punishments, and the more they were punished the harder it became for them to cope. Imagine parents knowingly sending their children into an institutionally abusive environment like this! These must have been some pretty heavy orders.

Parents in 3HO still send their children away to India to a school called Miri Piri Academy.

2008-04-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

If you were someone born or raised in 3HO, I encourage contributions to this blog, so email me or simply comment on my posts. Your identity, rest assured, will be kept confidential.

I highly encourage individualism, and honest and open dialogue. This is not a sentiment we are accustomed to, but I do feel that the ability to voice criticism, as well as the ability to employ critical thinking skills, also a fundamental skill few of us were exposed to.

I usually write monthly or bi-weekly entries, because recounting tales, be they heavy, sad, light-hearted, or funny, can be emotionally draining.

Thanks for reading. Here's a link to another account of the 3HO/India upbringing

about

2008-04-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

I was born and raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma, a religion that I now know to be a cult. I left at 18 to live my life as I saw fit. After many years of not being able to shake the early childhood and India memories I am here to share my experiences and my current feelings about 3HO and their now deceased leader, Yogi Bhajan.

Growing up in a cult, we were often told that we were special and we were made to feel unique amongst mainstream society. The sad reality, however, was that we were treated carelessly and casually like communal property. In 1982 I was child-swapped to an inexperienced, negligent and abusive couple. In 1983 I was sent away, along with a group of other 3HO children, to boarding school in India. I was eight years old, and I was to live the rest of my childhood in a third world country under the "guidance" of appointed members in 3HO and Indian school matrons. As the years went on more and more groups arrived. 3HO Sikh Dharma continues to send children away to boarding school in India.

In my past experience it has been common for myself and my second generation peers to act flippant or dismissive when dealing with this past. One of the reasons, I believe, is that in dealing with the issue head on, one can become overwhemingly angry, anxious, stressed, depressed or saddened, and in order to simply cope we choose to brush some of the hard truths aside. We may rationalize by saying "everyone goes through traumatic experiences" or "it wasn't ALL that bad, was it?". Another possible reason that ex-3HO peers may have difficulty validating another's experience, and this is due to our being deprived of the natural development of our individual selves, and the encouragement of ashram adults (vis-a-vis the leader, Yogi Bhajan) to tattle and punish one another for speaking out or being different. The fear of reprisal–in whatever form–carried over to adulthood, and diminishes the ability to see each other for the amazing individuals we are, and want to become.

I am hopeful for my future, and in the futures of my second generation peers. A majority of us have gone on to higher education and have developed the necessary critical thinking skills needed for independent thought and informed choices.

About this Blog

I want the curious world to know, from a first-hand account, what life was like for me growing up in this religion, removed from my my nuclear family for more than half of my childhood. Through counseling, therapy and education, I am now able to convey my opinion clearly and confidently, knowing that my feelings are valid, and that there is an audience that wants to know more about our story.

The motivation for this journal is not as a polemic, but is a personal platform where I express some of the feelings that emerge now and again as a result of being raised in the high-demand religious cult called 3HO Sikh Dharma and Kundalini Yoga.

Posts are written in no particular order, and are archived by the written date.