Amritsar c. 1983

Yogi Bhajan, Jarnail Singh Bhindranwale, Nanak Dev Singh, a 3HO child who looks to be no older than ten years, another 3HO child probably a teen, and a 3HO woman.

I can't even begin to make sense of this scene. Can you? Do you have first-hand knowledge of it? Let me know in the comments section below.

There's no deadline for grief

...Meaning, it might take a while.

After years of keeping this blog, I have had the opportunity to speak with a number of ex-classmates, talk to people, and have real conversations about growing up in 3HO Sikh Dharma.

When I do take time out of ordinary life to reconnect or have a conversation, what usually follows is a familiar pattern and string of emotions. First, I experience a little bit of euphoria because I was able to reconnect with an old friend. But after that feeling wears off, I feel exhaustion, thirst and brain-fog. My emotional state is sapped, my thoughts become sort of non-verbal and I don't possess enough brain-power to process my feelings. Then I go through a night (or two) of restless sleep and hypnagogic states of nervous internal dialogue. Still, I go about my day, telling myself This Too Shall Pass.

During this fog-brain state, I will experience a nervous energy and a feeling of true dread. There's a heavy pit in my stomach and a churning pulse in my abdomen, neck and face. My vision starts to feel a little off, glassy sort of. What I am experiencing is a sludgy kind of anxiety, and I have come to recognize as a sign to get myself some self-care.

Even if I get care, sometimes I'll ride the anxiety for a while, trying to process my feelings and sort them out in a coherent way. I might scour the internet for any sign that our story – the un-varnished one, that is – might be getting told by more people. That bit-by-bit we will come forward and speak our truth, discuss our experience, and process it like the fully-aware people that we are (right?).

It's happening now, and I'm hoping more will follow. Sonofasikh is a blog written by one of my schoolmates as he processes his childhood by revisiting the place where it all went down. It's funny, charming and nostalgic. And it is especially poignant. My goodness. His account of being tortured by Nanak Dev Singh–this singular moment among far too many–was nevertheless astonishing and horrifying. And it was heartbreaking. But it was revelatory too, because I found myself able to live inside his experience and fully be a part of it and empathize with it in a way I hadn't done before. I must admit, I had become so familiar with my own family experiences of assault and battery that, well, they just take up more room in my consciousness. This shook me out of that myopia, and for that I am grateful.

But it also made me feel so much sorrow and so much loss.

***

Our experiences as 3HO children were both collective and individual at the same time. We each experienced and remember slightly varying versions of the same kinds of abuse. At the time, our only way of commingling those disparate forms of antagonism was to form a sibling-like bond, and forge ahead as best we could. But we had so little space to experience the full range of emotions that are so crucial in childhood development. Empathy was often sacrificed in our day-to-day coping. So much so, that it became nearly amputated from our lives. And our parents were cut off from it in their own cultic environment too.

Empathy. It's not the same thing as compassion, love, forgiveness or acceptance (all important faculties). Empathy is the ability to validate another person's feelings by acknowledging their experiences, even when you might have a different point of view. People like us–the indiakids–may not be aware that we might lack empathy. It was actively revoked from us, and we were not shown how to demonstrate it to one another. If we have developed it, we have had to take whatever kernel exists inside ourselves and grow it on our own... and probably as adults, and probably in a very flawed and messy way.

I don't really have a way to end this post... I guess I'm still processing.

💗

Can someone regret something even if they've never apologized for their role?

Last week, Dr. Dre issued a public apology to the women he beat up back in the N.W.A. times. While it reeks of PR, it's still a step in the right direction. Perhaps now he can put his money where his mouth is and donate to causes that prevent domestic violence, and to those that help victims of domestic abuse.

And here we are. Looking at domestic violence and physical abuse through the lens of Popular Culture, as if it happens elsewhere. No. Abuse in 3HO Sikh Dharma was (and likely is) right in our own homes, schools and institutions.

Yet, to date, not one adult Guide who was in India while we were in school there has ever come out publicly or apologized publicly. Yes, Nanak Dev is deceased, so it's too late to hear those words from the person who was most abusive. But there were plenty others that were both abusive themselves and/or complicit in not doing anything while kids were being beaten.

I find this to be shameful.

If rappers can do it, why can't they? Maybe it has to do with real regret, as opposed to lip-service regret. Maybe none of them really regret their behavior? Maybe they don't think it was wrong? Maybe they are too fragile? Maybe they struggled to get back on their feet after India that they just needed to re-establish themselves, forgetting about all the young adults that had their own futures ahead of them? Maybe it didn't occur to them that the kids they beat and the kids they watched being beaten will take those involuntary scars with them for a lifetime.

Like Dee Barnes said "I have a souvenir I never wanted".

No one wants those kinds of souvenirs. The people who inflict harm on others are culpable until their victims get justice. Bottom line. There is no other way to have a civilized society.

If our childhood Guides think it's okay to simply go on, holding their heads high against the reality of what they have done, they are wrong. One man has chosen to take it to his grave. Will the rest of them follow suit, or will they do the right thing?

And so, here ends a senseless chapter

Nanak Dev Singh, the notorious tormentor of the 3HO children at G.N.F.C. boarding school, has died. Cause of death was apparently a massive heart attack.

My initial reaction to news of his death was "I hope it was neither quick, nor painless".

But vindication does not come in the act of dying. Nevertheless, there are times when you wish there really is a Hell.

-----------

Realistically though, wishing there was a special place in Hell for child abusers and sociopaths doesn't do anything but give comfort to us, the walking wounded.

But what brings greater satisfaction is knowing that it's too late for redemption. Because redemption is something one must seek in life. If Nanak Dev Singh had made some efforts to reconcile and make things right with those he hurt – ALL of them – he could have had a chance at forgiveness. Instead, he ran away and hid. Furthermore, he re-framed his narrative. He glorified himself. And in doing so he (and his sympathizers too) denied the experiences of all the children he so profoundly affected. The kids that he abused, traumatized, harassed and yes, tortured, were ignored.

Meanwhile, there was a human heart that was, quite literally, hardening.

Don't let YOUR heart harden. Strive for a better life – a life filled with joys big and small, of compassion, of open-mindedness, and even of redemption.

Take solace in knowing that we can be different from them.

Either way, that's one less asshole on the planet.

Dirty Socks

What kind of sadistic (and moronic) fuck would punish kids by making them stuff filthy socks in their mouths and then TAKE A PICTURE OF IT?

Nanak Dev Singh, that's who!

After seeing this photo I am of course reminded of my own filthy condition as a kid at GNFC, and how humiliating it often was. We were not given laundry service regularly - sometime it would be months before the Dhobi Wala showed up. And when Dhobi did happen, our clothes were often lost or destroyed. Most of the time we had to wash our own clothes by hand with cold water. We usually sent off our uniforms, but our socks, underwear, and private clothes were too important to risk getting lost. For that, we were expected to purchase our own detergent, buckets, scrub brushes, etc. and do our wash on our own personal time. This was as young as eight and nine years old!

Hey, we may have had grime build-up, but as far as I'm concerned, that's not a crime. Abusing and neglecting children is.

P.S. Thank you to the person who posted this snapshot, and I apologize if it has been used outside of its intended context. I do not post it out of inconsideration for the individuals who actually suffered this treatment. I post it as a resource. We all went through this kind of thing, and to be honest, I am glad there photographic evidence of it still exists.

GNFC circa 1983

Posing for group photos was agonizing! It always took the photographer forever to set up, and right when he'd get ready he'd say "Ready... Steady... ...no hold on..." It was hot, we had be dressed in "bana", but usually by the time a couple of frames were shot half of us were too loopy to put on "the show". The top one was taken with Nanak Dev Singh (pictured on the far right in full regalia), and the blue outfits were part of showing off our gatka skills in pretty much every Punjabi town we showed up in. That's him on the far right. I have some good shots of me as little little kid, where all us little kids had to form a chain circle to stop the massive crowd from encroaching into the performance area. You don't know what a crowd is until you've been to India, much less a parade, or jalous in India.

The good thing is that I think maybe there's as few as four or five people out of both crowds are still involved in 3HO. Four or five too many, but looks like natural selection will take care of that.

The "guides"

Nanak Dev Singh wasn't the only adult in India to inflict abuses on us children. The list of "guides" is long and exhausting, each person accountable for some loathsome memory of mine, be it neglect, indifference, public humiliation, emotional abuse or coercive tactics.

I've spent many sessions with my family recounting the rediculous and immature behavior of the "Singh Sahibs" and "Bhenjis" in India, and at summer survival camps. While my own parents lamented poor behavior and treatment, they have never actually confronted any of these "guides", or taken personal responsibility for their roles. What they have been good at however, is creating drama: sometimes they cry, sometimes they say "I'm sorry you think I was such a bad parent", sometimes they get overly angry at us - but in the end, it's usually me feeling bad for them.

There was a narrow time in my pre-teens that I felt that my own family loved me for who I genuinely was: a creative, fun and easygoing kid. I was encouraged artistically, I was given affection and care. I was fed amazing food and watched cool old movies and listened to good rock n' roll (with them!). To sum it up, all of my positive memories involved NO religion - I was genuinely a secular kid - as most kids are. I wasn't interested in the supernatural, the metaphysical or the mystical, or being a "shakti" or any of that.

Later, I can now recount, Yogi Bhajan clearly felt his grasp on us, the "future of the Khalsa", slipping. He tightened his control, he used more coercive tactics and abusive language. With me, he first tried to reign me in as an "insider", someone who maybe would feel special with extra attention, and would stick around to do his bidding. When that didn't work (thank god!) he verbally assaulted and abused me and then cast me out. He made the community see me as someone who was "troubled". Even though I had won, I felt like a castaway and that I had lost everything. And he made my whole family ostracize me - those who I had loved so dearly and looked up to so much, now proved themselves at that time to be trite individuals - they may have loved me and nourished me for a brief period, but it was only because they had hopes of me carrying out their religious agenda. Then it turned into resentment towards me when I openly and publicly disagreed with Yogi Bhajan.

Now I know that it wasn't just me as a kid who was genuinely secular. I am still that person today, and I'm often surprised at how, in spite of numerous attempts to reign me in with emotional abuses and threats of falling apart and failing, that my own will power and tenacity had kept me autonomous. Honestly though? Will power and tenacity are exhausting - and I'm ready to live a life in which the anxiety and self doubt don't creep up anymore, a life where I'm genuinely confident in my self, my actions and my behavior.

on forgiveness...

Forgiveness, I am told, is an important part in healing, letting go and moving on. But I don't think it's fair to be "expected" to forgive when the individual perpetrators have not been available to take responsibility for their actions upon children. None of us know what currently goes on in the minds of the adults who treated us poorly, neglected us, or abused us. How can I possibly begin to presume that they feel any sense of personal responsibility?

I do know that Nanak Dev Singh does not. He's off in Germany attempting to lead his own little "gatka" cult. In this way, I presume his Euro followers are not aware that he used to beat up on kids and that if they found out they would not follow him or take his classes. Since Yogi Bhajan's death many members of 3HO (the ones who considered themselves part of his elite inner circle) are going off to new "frontiers" and gathering new followers. Maybe, just maybe, Americans are starting to wise up to all this cult shit, seeing that many yoga teachers are nothing but a bunch of hypocritical phonies who just want to fuck their students and preach about a "lifestyle" they know nothing about. Alot of people take yoga not to be inundated with religious dogma, yet find themselves in that inevitable situation.

I know I have experienced that even outside of the 3HO community. Almost every yoga class I've been to has some form of preachy-culty-dogma attached.

...Oh wait I was supposed to be talking about forgiveness. The whole roundabout discussion is just a window into the human condition: people will continue to exploit people and children. It does not make me any "better" a person to forgive abhorrent behavior. Forgiveness is only possible when it's a two-way street, so in no way do I feel that I owe it to myself to forgive some bastard for being abusive. I feel there are better ways to move on.

Nanak Dev Singh

The winter of 1984 was particularly hard. Most children spent the winter break at Rishikesh in a dorm-style bungalow. The American Sikh converts who were appointed to live with us in India were referred to as “Singh-Sahib” (for the men) or “Bhenji”(for the ladies). These were “the guides”. The guides had little to no experience working with children and volunteered to travel to India on this program on very meager pay. The guide who was the most abusive was Nanak Dev Singh. He was meant to be the authority over everyone. He had executive order above all others, and well, if they didn’t agree with him, he would bully them into acquiescence.

Our daily routine began with waking up at 3:30 AM to take a freezing cold shower followed by Morning Prayer. At Prayer Nanak Dev Singh would whack us with a stick if our spines weren’t straight, or if we feel asleep. He loomed over us during meals, teasing children and haranguing. Then he led the children in some sort of Sikh martial art or athletic activity. He verbally abused and taunted all the children and he physically abused several children both boys and girls. He physically assaulted a girl behind closed doors and poundend on her chest and back causing serious bruising and welts. This incident was just total confusion from my perspective, but I remember bigger kids guarding the door where he had enclosed her to assault her. Looking back, his assault was pre-meditated, to the point where he had the wherewithal to lock her in a room and have the door guarded.

When a child didn’t respond to his harangues, he humiliated her (or him) in front of everyone and made her carry around a twenty-pound stone called an EGO ROCK so everyone would know she was punished. After he assaulted my friend, he made her carry around one of these stones for about one month. This practice even became a trend among the rest of the singh-sahibs and bhenjis. It got so bad, a seven year old was made to carry around the ego-rock. She dropped it and it broke her toe.

Although abuse was institutional, Nanak Dev Singh is personally responsible a majority of it, including most of the harshest assaults. It is my belief that he is culpable for most or all of diagnosed and undiagnosed cases of Post Traumatic Stress.

Nanak Dev Singh currently lives overseas, and most people want nothing to do with him. But I say, don't let him duck away so easily - email him - his email is: nkhalsa2@arcor.de and website.

I remember wanting nothing more than to coast under his radar, avoiding his randomly selected harangues and blow-outs. One time he did sneak up behind me, grabbed me by the throat and said "relax or I'll snap your neck". But my memory of the particular abuse incidents is mostly that of feeling major confusion – never knowing the details, never knowing what would come next, and experiencing crippling fear around him. My only guess how he got away with his tyranny is that is was sanctioned by Yogi Bhajan.