To Khalsa Council

On Saturday 4/25 Khalsa Council asked 3HO second generation-ers to come forward to the council and tell them about our experiences. They held a zoom meeting that went on for about 9 hours, no breaks. I sat in for about a third of it.

Bearing witness–to even a short segment–has put me in Fight or Flight mode once again. No sleep. Disassociation. And so much anger I can barely think.

What I say to Khalsa Council is this:

It is because of your choices that we experienced neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional and spiritual abuse, coercion, manipulation and control over almost every aspect of our daily lives. For us, to re-tell it is to re-live it. All of it.

You have put us here. You have set this up. You need to know that people are risking their safety and mental health by speaking to you and coming forward. We don't want to be doing this. What we want is to be safe in our homes tending to the immediate needs of our families and all the things Covid-19 demands of us. We want to be taking time for our own self care.

Simply put, the manner, and format of this – investigation in perpetuity – comes across as a slapdash effort at best. It us – the SGA's – who are aware of the risks and drawbacks in participating with this unstructured and unsupported format. We are acutely aware that – even after each and every one of us spills our guts to you – that it may still mean nothing.

So be reminded of this: It is because of our generosity of spirit and our moral courage that we share our stories with you in spite of the rushed, condensed, highly charged and unstable manner in which it is being conducted.

It is us that are doing you the favor, not the other way around. We know the pain. And yet we push on. Respect that.

Let me make this this clear: the following scenarios that pertain to our abuse are the only ones available to each and every one of you:

The first one is this: You knew of the abuse. And you chose to do nothing. You did not protect your child.

The second one is: You knew of the abuse. You tried to voice your concerns to your yogiji, and he shut you down, told you to stuff it. And then, you chose to stuff it. And then, you chose to do nothing. You did not protect your child.

The third one is: You had no knowledge of the abuse. Your child was six thousand miles away from home and you failed to look into what their life was like there. So you, the parent, chose willful ignorance. You chose to do nothing. You did not protect your child.

The last one is this: You participated in the abuse. You actively abused a child or you passively enabled or encouraged the abuse of a child. You are an abuser. And the fears and willful ignorance of members of this institution enabled your crimes which you committed and for which you still have not answered to the law.

Here we are today, forty years after some of the oldest of the second generation were being swapped around, shipped off to boarding school, ordered to marry strangers, and god-knows what else. That's forty years and still counting.

I have been telling my survival story and listening to my cohorts' stories for at least twenty-five years. I'm literally feeling like a broken record. This pain and traumatic stress has been fermenting, settling, getting stirred up, fermenting again, settling, getting stirred up... on repeat, over and over. Every time this happens, it is re-traumatizing to our bodies and it ruptures our carefully rebuilt sense of self, the work that we had to do all on our own.

So no. It is not restorative to do this. It is not cathartic. It is not palliative.

It is torturous.

I'm beginning to wonder if that is that the intention, Khalsa Council. To torture us? To keep us in a state of suspended trauma and grief? To prevent us from living our own beautiful and secular lives? To keep us tethered to this group and to the pain that every successive horror show inflicts? To make us do your work for you?

And is it the intention to meet our gut-wrenching stories with love-bombing and unintelligible spiritual bypassing? Intentional or not: This. Is. Not. Helpful. This kind of communication is nothing more than covert manipulation, invalidation and dismissal. It hurts us. And you know what? It hurts you too. It prevents you from being real and authentic. It keeps you at a perpetual arm's-length from reaching a place of truth and accountability. So, just... stop it. And stop it now.

We are not interested in your sentimental love notes–your thoughts and prayers. Be reminded that this is an institution that has betrayed us – first by placing us as small children in harm's way, second by denying and dismissing our stories of harm, third by failing to stand on its own feet and have an adult conversation with us.

What we are interested in is to be able to speak and be heard. We are interested in accountability. We are interested in having our therapy bills paid-for by you. We are interested in living our lives free from your drama, your manipulation and your deafening silence. We are interested in reform.

I know what real reform would look like. But I am not here to rebuild an institution that has corrupted itself and insulated itself for fifty years. That's your job.

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"Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid".
--Valery Alekseyevich Legasov (Chernobyl)

An update...

Okay, so I decided to go ahead talk to both Olive Branch and to SatNam at the office of legal counsel after all.

Why though, after such a vehement position?

I had to give a lot of thought to this. It's not healing to revisit our abuses, and it's important to do so in a safe space. In this way, any decision to talk had better come with a compelling reason to do so, knowing full well that it's a fallacy to expect an institution to fix itself with its own policy construct, even when that might be informed by important critical input.

It's like expecting malignant cancer cells to reverse their own metastatic process all by themselves.

And this is what we are doing. Which means once again it's on us to speak up, but its also on us to hold no expectation for results. There's no compelling reason to contribute when there's nothing a posteriori that would compel them – this time – to meet the bare minimum of what is right.

Still. Why then?

All I can say is that maybe there is an emotional need to speak and be heard, even though it may not be realistic, or amount to anything.

I keep saying "no more time given". And yet, I keep going back to that well, hoping there might be a drop of water in it. And that well has been dry for a really long time. And the drought seems likely to continue.

Correspondence with An-Olive-Branch.org (a long read)

The Siri Singh Sahib Corporation Collaborative Response Team has decided to team up with a religious non-profit organization called An Olive Branch to conduct an independent investigation into the recent allegations of sexual misconduct by its leader Yogi Bhajan.

Below is my letter from March 11 2020 to An Olive Branch regarding the issues that I feel are most important to SGA's:

To whom it may concern, 

I was born and raised in 3HO Sikh Dharma Kundalini Yoga and found this email address through the Siri Singh Sahib Corporation's Collaborative Response Team website. I write this email on behalf of people who were born and raised in this community, and who do not feel safe to come forward with their stories. 

The trauma in our lives under this community was repeatedly present. We were child swapped, neglected, sent away to long camps, and shipped off to boarding school in India, some of us at ages as young as five. We were abused physically, abused spiritually and abused sexually. We were bullied, coerced into arranged marriages and corralled into low paying jobs in companies owned by Sikh Dharma. If someone decided to leave the community, Yogi Bhajan ordered his devotees to stop communicating with them. 

The lasting affects of this traumatic upbringing have been profoundly difficult. Yet in spite of this difficulty many of the Second Generation Adults have spoken up to the religious leaders about it–about the trauma, the neglect and the abuse while we were children in this organization. To this day 3HO has never heard us or taken responsibility. All they have done is deny, dismiss and deflect.

Because of their repeated inaction many of us lost trust decades ago. And given our previous experience, you cannot expect us to now trust your process of information gathering. There is no guarantee of privacy or confidentiality with the way you have it set up–a special inbox people must email to. We cannot be sure that our stories of abuse won't be handed directly to our abusers to do with them what they please. 

Furthermore, your entire process is too opaque to expect to be able to build trust with survivors. For one, your organization has not provided citations of previous work you have done in this field. And I could not find any contact information for anyone who works at the organization. Tax filings are not made public, and are sheltered by IRS religious exemption. The only thing I could find was an article written about a report you created for Shambala International, which describes how lacking it was in substance and action on the part of Shambala International. 

From the survivor's perspective, at appears that your process and participation are an attempt to help the Yogi Bhajan organization sanitize its image so that they may continue conducting business as usual. And this is just not good enough. You'll need to do more and you'll need to do better if you genuinely want to hear from people, and if you genuinely want your work as independent investigators to have any letigimacy. As is stands now, I personally can't trust you with my own stories. I thought you should know this, because I hope it will provide you an opportunity to consider changing your approach to make it more transparent and more protective of the privacy of the survivors.


Thank you for reading. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
"K" from the Indiakids Blog

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I waited and had no idea what would come of my email. I didn't receive an auto reply (the lowest bar for trust-building, IMHO). Then, on March 16th I got this:

Dear K,

My name is Katheryn Wiedman. I received your March 11 message sent to yb.investigation@an-olive-branch.org. I am the person leading the Yogi Bhajan investigation. I apologize for not replying until today. Reading and re-reading your message, as I have done several times, has left me a bit paralyzed: I struggle with knowing where to begin….except to express profound sadness that the brightness and joy of childhood was stolen from you and so many other innocent children. That many in this “second generation” have had the courage to speak up to 3HO leaders is remarkable. After the repeated denials and dismissals by those leaders though, it is no wonder that you and others do not feel safe bringing your stories now to An Olive Branch.

Although you may dismiss my reply to your assertions about An Olive Branch, I feel it necessary to comment – in hopes that you and others may be willing to try one more time to have your voices heard.

Regarding the “special inbox”: We needed to establish a dedicated email address in order to handle the large influx of messages. I assure you that stories of abuse will not be “handed directly” to the abusers! Many other people have been contacting us at the yb.investigation@an-olive-branch.org address – but then their trust level must be higher than yours.

Regarding citations of our previous work: The work we do for client organizations is confidential. We do not participate in the social media environment or tout our client list, but sometimes an organization announces that it is working with An Olive Branch as was the case with Shambhala. You may look at our report by following the link at the beginning of this article: https://www.lionsroar.com/shambhala-releases-olive-branch-report-detailing-allegations-of-abuse-in-community/ Then you can decide for yourself if it was “lacking in substance.”

Regarding our contact information: We do not publish our private telephone numbers. You wouldn’t either if you knew some of the cases we work with. Our pictures are on our website and anyone can reach us at the “support” email address. We are NOT hiding!

Regarding our handling of confidential material: We correspond individually with people who reach out to us. No group emails. Ever. We arrange a time for a private, confidential interview – preferably via video-conferencing but by phone if the person does not want to use video. And if a person does not want an interview, they can submit their story via written narrative. The only people who have access to our files are the three co-directors of An Olive Branch – two of us are handling this project (Leslie Hospodar and me). The third co-director, Barbara Gray, is working on other projects. The three of us consult one another as needed but the investigation information will never be shared beyond that. In our investigation report all information will be anonymous unless the person asks us to identify them.

Well… I have to stop now… I feel that those who want to find fault with An Olive Branch will do so quite independently of anything I write. Perhaps it will help you to know that other second generation people are coming forward and their experiences will be heard and reported. We remain open to hearing from you – either in an interview or via your written account.

Sincerely, Katheryn

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Indiakids Blog reply March 18:

Dear Katheryn,

Thank you for your reply. I am open to an in person interview with you. Your response to me is reassuring. However, it is important to me to point out that words still require the backbone of real, concrete action. Might I suggest adding a few good faith measures in order to engender more trust among those with stories of abuse of power?

If you wanted to add an extra layer of confidentiality, you could create input forms in google forms which would give people the option to be anonymous, or to share their contact information for further data gathering, with added layers of privacy in this process.

Another simple, yet effective thing you could do is set up an auto-reply on the inbox with three things:

• A clear and concise privacy and confidentiality statement
• A statement that would clearly demonstrate your methods for neutrality in the process.
• A statement on how your report will guarantee both privacy to the accusers and transparency of the organization. 

Of particular great concern is the welfare of the most vulnerable: those who were sexually abused as children. It takes enormous courage and vulnerability to come forward, and it is well known that people will not come forward if survivors feel that nothing will be done. In past cases in 3HO, Law Enforcement was never contacted when a victim came forward. Perhaps it would be most helpful to them to outline a plan that you put in place for reporting on criminal activity such as this.

I'm glad to hear AnOliveBranch is getting emails, yet I do not think it should be taken as a sign of implicit trust, as implicit trust can be un-earned when good-faith measures are not taken. In this way, explicit trustworthiness could be offered. Please consider this: whatever email count you are currently receiving is likely due to the sheer volume of problems in the 3HO organization. Think of them as the tip of the iceberg. For every one person that comes forward, I can comfortably say that there are probably ten people that are not. A few simple steps on your part could create a sea-change and begin to paint a much more realistic picture of what has been going on at 3HO for five decades.

Please feel free to get in touch if you have any questions or want to talk to me in person.
Thanks,
"K"

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And, here's what she wrote after that:

Dear K,

Thanks for your message and openness to an interview.

Before going into the details of how the interviews work and setting one up, I want to share the “boundaries” of our investigation so you can determine whether your experience puts you in that frame.

There are two paths for reporting:

1. The investigation’s scope of work is to collect testimony from people who had direct, personal experience of abuse or witnessed abuse at the hands of Yogi Bhajan, or at his behest by a Secretary, or someone in his inner circle. The abuse includes sex with YB or people in his inner circle, grooming for sex, psychological abuse (shaming, bullying, imprisonment, etc.), and physical abuse (punching, kicking, inadequate nutrition, etc.). These messages should be sent to me at yb.investigation@an-olive-branch.org.
2. Child abuse allegations such as those referenced in your email – child swapping, sending kids off to India to live, physical, spiritual, sexual, and emotional abuse at the hands of people appointed by YB – are being handled separately and should be reported to Sat Nam Singh, an attorney in the Office of Dharmic Counsel ( satnamsingh@ssscorp.org ). I realize that people who have suffered harm may not want to "try again" to submit their claims to anyone in SSSC, though. And if people send their allegations of child abuse to me, I would be breaking confidentiality to forward those messages to ODC. Catch 22?

I have re-read both of your messages, trying to discern your role. Will you please let me know if you are on “path #1, above? I will then work with you to find an agreeable date+time for an interview.

You said you were writing “on behalf of people who were born and raised in this community, and who do not feel safe to come forward with their stories.” I hope you understand that the investigation requires direct experience, first-hand testimony. You can certainly refer others to the two paths above so they can file their own first-hand report – either through an email or a written statement.

I appreciate the ideas you put forward; we are working to implement the three statements you suggested.

We understand that some people may never come forward because of the harm suffered as children and the previous lack of response from 3HO.

Sincerely, Katheryn

She also forwarded an FAQ from the Siri Singh Sahib Response Team.

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Okay, so let's talk about this, these circuitous efforts by 3HO to gird themselves from responsibility.

In my first email I said "We cannot be sure that our stories of abuse won't be handed directly to our abusers to do with them what they please".

It was met with a defensive tack, "I assure you that stories of abuse will not be “handed directly” to the abusers!" and goes on to say that other people must just have a higher trust level than me. (So, something must be wrong with me then, I take it? This is gaslighting, defined.)

After I had to explain the difference between implicit trust and explicit trustworthiness, I was given two options. The first option is to agree to talk with AnOliveBranch, but restrict my content strictly to firsthand experiences with Yogi Bhajan. The second option is to take my child abuse, swapping, and boarding school complaints directly to the lawyers for 3HO.

Meaning, hand our stories directly to our abusers. Are they trying to break my brain?

Why though? Surely this offshoot organization of the Zen Center of Pittsburgh cares about the welfare of children raised in the spiritual communities they purport to assist. Hmmm?

In the SSScorp CRT FAQ there's this, below is a screenshot from https://www.ssscresponseteam.org/faq (in case this changes later)

Text: Will the investigator/An Olive Branch report accounts of abuse to the legal authorities?
Members of An Olive Branch’s staff are mandatory reporters of child and elder abuse. They will report accounts of abuse to the authorities as required by law.

They will report accounts of abuse to the authorities as required by law.

Meaning? AnOliveBranch is made up of mandated reporters, people who are required by law to report instances of child abuse, childhood neglect and child sexual abuse. It doesn't even matter when it could have happened. If they know, they have to report. And that is why we are being told–by AnOliveBranch–to take our stories –stories of abuse, neglect and sexual abuse that took place when we were children–back to 3HO's legal department... um,  like "directly to our abusers... to do with what they wish?".

This right here? This is in NO WAY an olive branch. An olive branch is an extension of reconciliation and atonement. And it's not a Catch-22 either. This is more like a Morton's Fork, in which we are being asked to choose between two equally unpleasant scenarios. Or a Hobson's Choice, in which we are asked to 'take it or leave it'. Or possibly a Buridan's Ass, in which we (the asses) are placed mid-way between two life-sustaining objects, and we become paralyzed when faced with which one to turn to first.

Sigh.

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I replied to Katheryn one final time:

My role is both. #1 and #2.

I was a child brought up in 3HO who experienced swapping, boarding school, neglect and abuse (physical, emotional and spiritual), as well as experiencing shaming, bullying, verbal abuse and excommunication from Yogi Bhajan himself.

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That is really all that needs to be said. If they can't grasp that our abuse was institutional and systemic, it's their failure. Any hope for a good-faith effort was undone by the sum total of the above (bad-faith and gaslighting) correspondence.

What now?

Nothing. Definitely no interview. Reconciliation is highly unlikely and we are re-traumatizing ourselves by doing to majority of the intellectual labor, only to be ignored and dismissed time and again. There is nothing more to do other than to push ahead with our lives and do what's best for ourselves to heal and to learn to love ourselves and care for ourselves and the people in our lives.

It is not our responsibility to make them see. IT IS THEIR FAILURE TO LOOK.

This post is for my fellow SGA's. To the 1st generation: I see you, but I'm not here to talk to you right now.

SGA's: if you are having conflicting emotions, it's okay. It's okay to want to take some aspects of your upbringing, leave others behind, and make the most of who you see yourself to be. You may be middle aged, and this stuff is far in the rearview mirror. You may be a millennial, and grew up in a time when Yogi Bhajan was older, sicker, made fewer public appearances, and rarely met with his "students" one-on-one (unless, of course, it was for *that*). You may have grown up in this group after he died, and you have had no personal experience with the person. Or maybe you had only good experiences with him, or what you interpreted to be good experiences at the time. We all have differing points-of-departure.

For me, it was dealbreaker enough to see the baseline manner in which Yogi Bhajan conducted himself publicly. And I really didn't appreciate the way he spoke to me when I was just a teenager, just home from India, still completely unaware of my traumatized body and brain. He told me "Bitch, cunt, you will be nothing more than a drug addict prostitute lying in the gutter". Huh. That's not how I expected my "grandfather" to speak to me.

Fast forward to now, and to you. Wherever you are at, you may be bearing witness to some explosive online discourse all around a series of events that took place way back when you were a little kid (stuck in India), or you weren't even born yet. True or not (all true, actually)... you might be feeling like, "this seems to be missing the point". You might be frustrated at the 'talking over' nature of these 'conversations'. And you might start to feel... I hate to say it but... invisible. Again. And, yes. It IS enraging.

Why? Because this explosive online discourse doesn't have anything to do with us, the 2nd generation (yet at least... shudder). That being the case, you have full permission to unburden yourself from their (1st generation's) never-ending cascading waterfall of drama. Remember: They caused this. We are the casualties of their poor decisions. We matter. And you know what? We matter more. And your children matter even more than you.

Sigh. This so-called reckoning. Will it prevent the next predator to enlist himself (or herself) as the next 'guide' at Miri Piri Academy? Will it prevent 3HO Sikh Dharma from sweeping it under the carpet and sheltering that predator or abuser from the law? Will it stop the true believers from engaging in herculean feats of mental gymnastics, all to convince themselves it's all good, let's keep things the way they are? Will it?

Because anything that stops short of that–meaning, the full scope of legal consequences for child abusers–is not a reckoning. It's a hand-wringing. We don't need more hand-wringing. We don't need more shock and horror and new-agey woo woo karma aquarian age astral plane excuse-making.

Yes, I admit I feel angry and cynical. That's why I keep this blog! But this cynicism–I do think it's actually an okay feeling to have right now. It is in fact very healthy for us to NOT expect any real reckoning or action to change things for the better. The realness about 3HO Sikh Dharma Kundalini Yoga and the boarding schools has always been right in front of everyone's noses, all this time.

With that being said, all SGA's have a right to tell your story, any time, and in any way you want. Your life is yours to tell.  Know though that it's not going to be easy. It's very emotionally triggering and really, it's always only going to be just one aspect of your recovery. You really need to be actively talking to a professional, licensed therapist either way. If you're not doing that, you will find yourself in too vulnerable a spot.

So please, before speaking ask yourself honestly:

• Is it safe for me to speak?
• Can I trust this person (these people) with my story?
• If it doesn't feel safe for me to speak, then why?
• Am I in a safe space personally to speak up?
• Who can I lean on when I'm hurting?
• Who will catch me if I fall?

Because it's super important to consider your own safety and wellbeing first. And it's important to consider your children's safety and wellbeing too.

To All The Fence-Sitters, Ask Yourselves:

What's more important?

1. The safety, privacy and security of children
or
2. The public image of my church/company/organization.

Hint: You can't have both.

Another hint: There's only one correct answer.

Final hint: if you have even an ounce of hesitation as to what the answer is, then, surprise! You're not on the fence! You're a full blown card-carrying member of a cult. And you blew it.

To the New Wave of Kundalini Yoga Gurus

Um, your boy is a dud.

The below excerpt is from a draft in 2018. I decided to go ahead and publish it because I think it's funny. It's now 2020 and stupid people are still arguing whether Yogi Bhajan is real or not. I'm grabbing my popcorn.

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[January 2018]

3HO Sikh Dharma and Kundalini Yoga seem to be having a trending moment. Yogi Tea is everywhere. By the way, it tastes disgusting, and its profits get funneled through a giant multi-million dollar private security firm. Kundalini Yoga is hip and cool on Instagram, and I have even seen Yogi Bhajan memes and quotes on my own feed (gross). And what's alarming is that today there are dozens or maybe even hundreds of individuals – from 1st generation members, to 2nd generation 'indiakids', to recent converts – trying to make a brand for themselves under the banner of Kundalini Yoga as Taught by Yogi Bhajan (Registered Trademark).

It's nothing new, and I really don't want to write a blog post aimed at taking anyone down. I honestly feel that if these people are so self-absorbed, vain or greedy, they are not worth it.

It's easy to go on social media and think that these guru wannabe's like Gurujas or Gurumukh or Guru-whatever - are succeeding with promoting the work of a false prophet and horrible human being. I don't like seeing that these people have tens of thousands of followers. The only thing that helps me is to remind myself that "followers do not equal real members", but more likely is reflective of some kind of sycophantic feedback loop.

Today's Kundalini Yoga woo-woo-ness triggers me in a strong way. It's eerie enough that what preceeds it is an unquestioned, and artificial version of ancient, valid and very sacred rites from the Pranayama. The Pranayama is a scripture in the Patanjali, which is one of the ancient Vedic scriptures of the Hindu religion.

From what I know (and I'm not much of a Hindu scholar, just saying) Kundalini is a term in the Pranayama, however Kundalini Yoga™ has no basis in this scripture. None. And Yogi Bhajan was not a Yogi. Nor was he a scholar. Of Vedic scriptures. Or of any scripture for that matter. And he wasn't the "Mahan Tantric". Because no such title exists.

Yogi Bhajan aka Siri Singh Sahib aka Mahan Tantric aka Siri Singh Sahib Bhai Sahib Harbhajan Singh Khalsa Yogiji is really only one person: Harbhajan Singh Puri. He was born in 1929 near what is now Lahore, Pakistan. He relocated to India after Partition. Then, he went to work as a Customs Official in New Delhi. To the 2nd generation Indiakids – those of us who were sent away to boarding school in India – it's common knowledge. When I was sent to India in 1983, I innocently assumed our classmates would know who "Siri Singh Sahib" was, because, you know, we were in India. But when we were met with looks of confusion by the Punjabi Sikhs in our school, we kinda figured out that it was bullshit. And the titles he gave to ashram leaders in the U.S. – Singh Sahib and Sardarni Sahib? Those don't come from traditional Sikh community standards either.

So, if Yogi Bhajan isn't actually a Yogi, and he didn't really learn all that stuff from a previous "Mahan Tantric" - who he claimed was a Tibetan Master, and who mysteriously vanished along with all records of his existence once YB arrived in the US... then what is Kundalini Yoga?

A completely invented, knock-off 'brand' of fiction and marketing. Period.

And it's SO disrespectful for people in the west to be pretending it's anything else. It's bad enough that practically all of Yoga has been hijacked by white people who have absolutely no understanding of India's history, no understanding of the history of Hinduism, and no understanding of Sanskrit. It's bad enough that Yoga has been so colonized and whitewashed that it barely registers anymore as something that came from India.

But the new wave of Kundalini Yoga gurus are a special kind of awful from where I sit. They have NO clue what WE went through. None. Or, they do and they don't care. That's even worse.

The Kundalini Yoga trope conveys a creepy homogeneity. A woman in a flowing white gown and a white cap-like turban and flowing chuni, sitting cross legged on a stage at a microphone, her hands raised in a double heil salute gesture. She is back-lit. Behind her is a large brass gong. She is young. She is pretty. And she is white. Their grammy winning song is titled "White Sun".

This trope isn't really new though. It goes all the way back to 1969-1970 when the first group of goras toured India and the Sikh Gurdwaras. During this tour, white women converts heavily pressured the Gurdwara establishment (SGPC) to make exceptions to their gender rules, resulting in a coerced negotiation for (white) women to be allowed a performance of gurubani-kirtan at the Golden Temple. THE Darbar Sahib. Those white women smugly considered it a feminist victory. They did not consider , even for a second, that although got their way, they left a trail of really bad feelings in their wake.

White. White. White. Seriously.

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OMG that fucking book title too! What is it... "White Bird in a Golden Cage".

Try whitey bird... Polly wanna cracker?

Halloween, 1984 – an update

It's been ten years since I wrote about what it was like to be in India on the day Indira Gandhi was assassinated. What took place on Halloween 34 years ago still remains a Specter that haunts. It's the specter of memory.

Let's neutralize this ghost with knowledge. Read this book: Amritsar: Indira Gandhi's Last Battle by Mark Tully and Satish Jacob. Because for me, things became a lot more clear.

For one, it fully confirmed that the Dal Khalsa leaders were housed both at Nanak Niwas and Guru Ram Das Niwas at the very same time we were there. Which was the winter of 1982-83 and the winter 1983-84 (when we were mostly in Anandpur Sahib, Damdama Sahib and Fatehgursahib, but made trips to Amritsar on occasion). This must be why I remember seeing men with guns. By the time we were at school in Mussoorie, Bindranwale–along with his people and a massive caché of weapons–moved their HQ from the Niwas to the 3rd floor of the Akal Takht. By the spring of 84, Amritsar had erupted in unchecked violence–much of it at the hands of Bindranwale–and culminating in the disastrous Operation Blue Star. As fall approached, revenge plans were solidified and Indira Gandhi lost her life. And we were up in the mountains, wondering if the riots and war that had broken out would reach our school. We weren't told much. Just to put our shoes and sweaters by our beds in case we had to be evacuated.

I have always wanted to to know more. I have always wanted to connect the dots between what we experienced as young children, and what was actually going on in India at the time. Well this book makes the horror clearer than I have ever known.

And the violence and aftermath at this time was indeed beyond horrific, but the book does not make it propagandistic. It does a good job of providing thorough political, religious and geographical coverage. And Tully and Jacob are equally thorough in outlining the arrangement of the Golden Temple complex–which includes the surrounding hostels–allowing us to appreciate the sense of time and place as we follow the various paths of people and activities that took place during this time.

But, what else can it do?

The book underscores the seriousness of the situation. So for me, it tells me that our parents were woefully misled and therefore woefully ill-prepared to deal with any situation that might have been on this level of violence and catastrophe. It tells me that our parents were given license to downplay, or even rationalize this period of political upheaval. So by the time Ms. Gandhi was assassinated, they were primed and ready to ignore its gravitas. I actually have an old VHS tape in which my father is literally doing just this: distancing, excusing, rationalizing and downplaying. Remind me to transfer it to a digital copy.

No one in their rational mind would send children alone into a war zone. No one. So why did our parents do it? 

One, they had already been conditioned to ignore and suppress their parental instincts. That physical and emotional bond between child and parent had been deprived time and again–through all the camps, family child swapping, and finally boarding school. It's the precipitous journey of a mind being exerted upon through acts of coercion.

***

I remember the winter of 1983/84. My mother came to India to be a winter break guide for all the little girls. At the end, she took the three of us girls to Amritsar for a week before she was to head back home. We stayed in a room in Nanak Niwas. It was delightful and wonderful. We prayed at the Golden Temple, we ate Langar everyday and our dear Mataji bought each of us a special gift: a harmonium for my older sister, a harp for me, and sword for my little sister. Photos of the trip are happy and cheerful. Sometimes I think: If they wanted us to learn Sikhi, couldn't we have just done it this way? Smaller, more intimate vacations to Amritsar with our parents? 

I also remember the day she left. She was kneeling down toward us and she began to cry. She told us she loved us, and she told us that she would write to us every week (which she always did). Then, we parted ways, and the joy and fun came to an abrupt halt. Our toys were confiscated right away. That special gift from my beautiful and loving Mataji was stolen from me the moment she was out of sight.

When I reflect on the tears in my Mataji's eyes that day, I think about her feelings too, and it's just heartbreaking. Her pain must have been very real. The pain of separation–even if someone was thinking they were doing the right thing–is still very real. It's real, it's horrible, and it's unconscionable.





Thanks for reading. You can hit me up on Twitter if you have comments or questions.

My original post "Halloween, 1984" is here. In it I refer to the Khalistan Separatist Movement, which is more or less synonymous with Dal Khalsa. But please note that there are complexities to all these designations, and it's better to just do the research.

That one thing that makes me think MPA is worse:

It's the Yoga.

3HO Youth doing yoga at Miri Piri Academy, Amritsar India

I grew up in 3HO in the 80's and I attended GNFC for six years and GRD Academy for two years. While at GNFC, we did absolutely no yoga. The only time we had to do yoga was in the winter months when school was not in session. At GNFC, while we may not have been fully assimilated with Indian and Thai born students (in that our specially designed 'bana' uniforms made us stand out) our day to day schedule conformed with the school's schedule. Mornings consisted of prayer recital in the dorms for young children and gurudwara for the older children, followed by breakfast, prep (study hall) and assembly. Then we had classes until 4:00pm. Tea time followed school, and after that we had an hour or two of free time, or sports time. Then, gurudwara again (for the big kids), followed by dinner, and more study hall. Lights out was at 10:00pm. There was simply no room for yoga, gatka or much of anything else outside the bounds of a traditional/colonial style boarding school routine. It might have been grueling and filled with drudgery, but at least we didn't have to wake up at 3:30 in the morning.

The 3:30AM sadhanas were part of our winter break, especially during those years we didn't get to go back to the US. It sucked. Some of the guides made us take freezing cold showers before meditation and yoga... all taking place before the sun came up. I won't go into the belief system that led to us being sleep deprived all the time. Let's just say that... yeah. This is cult studies 101. It's easier to control people when they don't get enough sleep.

Okay, so then there was GRD Academy, as sort of intermittent in-between school that only lasted a few years. Here they made feeble attempts at a GNFC-style structure, but since Yogi Bhajan put himself at the center, he was able to mix his own stuff into it. For example, at GRD we had to wake up around 4:30am for sadhana. And our after-school stuff was largely militant–things like gatka, martial arts and calisthenics. And evenings were reserved for 3ho-style, new-age chanting and meditation. The traditional Sikh gurudwara was just on Sundays, at a local temple in Dehra Dun.

Still. At GRD, if you weren't into the devotional stuff you could, with a little effort, avoid it and plop yourself down in the back, put your head down and tune it out. I'm not saying the yoga and meditation wasn't shoved down our throats. It was. But it was just a little bit easier to ignore.

Fast forward to now. I fear that for students of the 3HO run boarding school in India, Miri Piri Academy, this is no longer the case. At MPA it is a graduation requirement to enroll in Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training. This fact alone makes MPA a de facto cult school. End of story.

Kundalini Yoga is not academic. Kundalini Yoga is not extra-curricular. Kundalini Yoga has zero connection to scholarly, historic or traditional philosophies and practices, Indian or otherwise. I've said this before and I'll say it again: Kundalini Yoga is nothing more than a hodge-podge of calisthenics-like movements, mudras and mantras–all completely invented by one person who was never a Yogi to begin with.*

But what horrifies me more than this, the banal scam of Kundalini Yoga, is that the 2nd and 3rd generation of 3HO children–children who did not choose this for themselves–are being told... get this... that Kundalini Yoga "will unblock and heal"... wait for it...


... their trauma.


TRAUMA THAT WAS INFLICTED ON TO THEM. WHILE IN THE CARE AND GUARDIANSHIP OF MEMBERS OF 3HO SIKH DHARMA KUNDALINI YOGA.

My head just exploded.

Seriously. There's some very real trauma that is being dismissed and ignored here. And that which is being ignored now will only emerge later on. That which continues to be actively repressed, will likely have a resurgence in another, more destructive form, either inwardly or outwardly.

The risk right now for MPA kids is high. That pesky graduation requirement only seems benign. But is very much malignant. What it actually means is that MPA kids are being corralled as future recruiters for 3HO. And they are being deprived of a real education. Their opportunities in the world are narrower, and they are being cornered into believing that a career as a Kundalini Yoga™ brand instructor/teacher/performer may be one of their only viable occupations. I've observed a host of MPA alumni acting on it too, either working within 3HO itself, or by inserting themselves into the 'wellness' industry. I've observed the towing of a familiar line: that their upbringing with "the technology and tools" gives a semblance of authenticity and 'cred'.

Except... Kundalini Yoga is bullshit. No amount of anything that anyone does in relationship to it will ever be authentic.

Most importantly, Kundalini Yoga is not–nor will it ever be–considered an effective or acceptable treatment for trauma. The only accepted treatment for trauma or a traumatic upbringing (such as ours) is Counseling–under a qualified and licensed Therapist who adheres to mainstream, evidence-based practices, standards and guidelines.

It's hard, but not that hard to reckon with the full scope of our upbringing. Looking at it really broadly and critically helps to really see it for what it was, and allows us to unpack it fully so that we can understand it fully. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either. I know because I've been there. I thought I could take some of it, and leave the rest behind. I even taught a few Kundalini Yoga classes here and there. Then, I looked at it critically, and knew that it's just not copacetic with what it means to live a truly free life.

Um, what?

How insulting is this:

Hey. Assholes.

RIGHT NOW there are 3HO Sikh Dharma children who are thousands of miles apart from their parents–children who have been separated because Yogi Bhajan told their parents to do it. Told their parents that their "children don't love them". Told their parents that "distance therapy" is a thing. And whose parents put the needs of the cult of Yogi Bhajan and 3HO above the needs of their own children.

There are children who have, who still are, and will continue to experience a profound trauma because of the orders of this man.

A meme doesn't change ANY of this.

Separating children from parents is wrong. Very wrong.

What's happening now–Children being torn from their parents at the US border–might feel all-too personal. It can trigger a lot of unhappy memories.

I have a clear memory of how I felt in my body and in my mind when I was really young and separated from my parents. I remember not feeling, and just being kind of confused and disassociated from reality. And I remember that when I was 'more present', my body and mind were nervous and fidgety. In my first and second years in India, I developed a nervous disorder called Trichotillomania, or compulsive hair pulling. I pulled out all of my eyelashes. Then I got made fun of, so I forced myself to stop so that I wouldn't get made fun of. No adult, teacher, older kid or nurse ever noticed. All I can say about it–in an internal sense–is that I felt like when I was pulling or picking or fidgeting that I was disappearing into an invisibility cloak of my own invention. No one bothered me when I was scrunched up into a little ball minding my own business. And that felt good. Eventually I started to cope with my nervousness through arts and crafts, knitting and needlework– at least as much as I could make time for. Many of us knitted with found yarn and lollipop sticks. Even if it was to knit something, take it out, and start over, that's what we did. So much of our time was spent with these odd, but self-soothing regimens.

Before the camps, the child swapping and the boarding schools, I was actually a confident, happy child. The separation chipped away at my self-esteem and my feeling of security and safety, both emotional and physical. I was able to fake cheerfulness at times, make jokes and laugh, but inside I was deeply insecure. And, gosh, there were so many unsafe situations. Too many to count really. Children getting struck by lighting at Ram Das Puri, Nav Jiwan Kaur falling to her death at Nambé falls, Ong Kar Kaur nearly drowning at Abiquiu, Me and my sister nearly getting killed in a Flash Flood while camping with "guardians"... Then there was the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse, the neglect and the TOTAL lack of affection.

That last one, that's a major one. Greater than we ever thought. In the absence of it, you don't even know you need it to survive. In the absence of it–the part of you that makes you you–experiences a profound, physical and emotional loss. Your crucial, human sense of self is put at risk.

All of this, while we were supposedly part of a community that believed in love, and in raising the consciousness of the world through compassion, kindness and selfless service. I can't begin to imagine what the children in the I.C.E. detention centers are going through, while under the guardianship of politically motivated, profiteering xenophobes. Okay. Yes, the circumstances for our separation were different than what's happening now, but the resulting affects were no less profound. Separation affects on the mind, body and spirit are traumatic, not matter the circumstance.

Most of us survived and were able to build happy lives for ourselves, and many of us have had the therapy we needed to understand the long-term affects of family separation. This is all the more reason that as survivors we speak up against what our country is doing. We must be there for these children and their parents, in whatever way we can be–financial, political or vocal.

Let me finish with one last thing. I cannot believe, for the life of me, that people in 3HO Sikh Dharma still believe in sending their kids far away to India to attend Miri Piri Academy. It's unfathomable. It's appalling. It's shameful. It's criminal. It's worth noting that 3HO Sikh Dharma profits from the private I.C.E. Detention Centers. Some of the I.C.E. jails contract with Akal Security for the staffing of Corrections Officers. Akal Security is officially owned by 3HO Sikh Dharma, and the some of the profits from Akal Security are used to promote their new-age arm: Kundalini Yoga, White Tantric, Yogi Tea brand tea company, Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training seminars, and their sappy, saccharine music brands like Spirit Voyage and White Sun. This new-age arm puts forward a progressive image, but within its nesting doll structure of for-profit and non-profit entities, 3HO Sikh Dharma as a whole is benefiting from and enriching itself on the horrific policies of our government and the increasing privatization of government functions. There's nothing progressive about that.

Amritsar c. 1983

Yogi Bhajan, Jarnail Singh Bhindranwale, Nanak Dev Singh, a 3HO child who looks to be no older than ten years, another 3HO child probably a teen, and a 3HO woman.

I can't even begin to make sense of this scene. Can you? Do you have first-hand knowledge of it? Let me know in the comments section below.

Giving Back

Chapter 1

As Sikh children, we were told to give back. In fact giving back to one's community, or Dasvandh, was one hallmark among my many memories as a Sikh child. My parents gave ten percent of their income in tithings. It's part of Sikh tradition to give a tithing, even if very small, at every temple.

I have been away from the 3HO Sikh Dharma community for nearly two decades, so it is from a healthy distance that I observe the ongoing legal battles between all of the for-profit companies (Akal Security, Golden Temple Foods, Yogi Tea, etc), non-profit companies (Sikh Dharma International, Sikh Dharma Worldwide, Siblings of Destiny, et al.), the familial heirs to Yogi Bhajan's personal fortune, and his personal assistants, who are staking a claim to the very large sums of money involved among all of these entities.

It's complicated, it's convoluted, and, for many it's infurating! (I think I can say this and be heard by believers and non-believers alike)

One of the reasons these legal battles are impossible to appreciate is that it's about millionaires fighting with other millionaires about who gets to keep the pot of gold. And a pot of gold it is. Akal Security has received about $30 billion in federal contracts in its existence.

And then there are the rest of us. There are those who remain in "the dharma" and continue to work for meager wages. There are those whose homes are the property of the 3HO Sikh Dharma non-profit religious entity. There are those who simply walked away from all of it, and re-built their lives one step at a time. And there are those who were born and raised there and:

1) worked for a 3HO Sikh Dharma business or organization for minimum wage
2) were discouraged from attending college, or
3) attended college eventually, but paid his/her own way, borrowing in order to do so.
4) did not attend college, and fend for his/her selves in what ways he/she can.

and finally,
5) that financially cover one's own therapy and counseling. (I'm hoping everyone is doing this regardless, by the way)

As for me, all of the above.

I am successful and fulfilled in what I do, which is good. But I can't say that going out on my own as a young adult totally alone was not immensely challenging. Or that I didn't encounter some major hurdles. And I cannot say that I would not have greatly appreciated my community giving back to me in some form of support in return for my contributions to them.

But as I left to forge my own path, all I heard was Sayonara. No, what I literally heard was, "you will be a drug-addict prostitue lying in the gutter".

But alas, this is the way of the world much of the time. Religions don't give plebians support, and Tithings aren't a choice. Tithings are an obligation. It's one's holy duty to give to the church. And to ask anything in return other than salvation or pure bliss is showing greed and discontent.

At the Sikh Dharma Worldwide website: http://sikhdharmaworldwide.org/ you will see information on ways to give, but not much on community engagement and outreach. You will see pages that have been set up to accept donations that will cover their incurred legal fees. There is a website and domain dedicated to Tithings alone called http://www.dasvandh.org/. They do, however, "give" in the form of political contributions. To both parties. In large sums. State and Federal.

Chapter 2

After the legal mess, most of us have an idea of the net worth of Sikh Dharma International and all of its "nesting dolls" of non-profits and for-profits. I ask, when are they going to give back? Have they set up a college scholarship fund? Have they set up a fund to help young adults go out into the world to succeed? Have they instituted any sort of support structure for its young members so that they may move forward, move upward, and thrive? Has Bibiji Inderjit Kaur Puri offered up any of her personal fortune to help others? Have Peraim Kaur and Kartar Singh, after receiving their settlements offered to help anyone recovering and surviving this cultic environment? Has the Kettle Foods empire ever offered to help out? Or, for that matter, any one of the multi-million dollar businesses, that benefitted from the hard work and dedication of ashram devotees, who often worked for very little pay, offered up support?

And yet, and yet... there are people right under their noses in Española who live in dilapidated mobile homes.

It's time to give back. It's time to offer to heal wounds and mend hearts.

There is a generation of adults who suffered as children, and there are more generations to come–who as children suffered needlessly due only to your callousness, your narcissism, and your dogma.

And to my 2nd and 3rd generation readers. We can heal our wounds by finding ways to give back to our communities too. I have hope that we can take that grain of advice and we can polish it into a beautiful, shining pearl.

We have come this far.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

Firearms training, and exposure to firearms were normal growing up in 3HO Sikh Dharma. My parents owned two or three handguns and a rifle. Even as a young child I knew where they were stored – inside their bedroom closet, loaded, and inside a padded, brown leather holster. Yogi Bhajan had a 24-7 cadre of armed security guards that were always within arms reach of him.  These guards were mostly men, albeit some very young and inexperienced "men", and there was one woman, named Shanti. These guards openly declared that they were willing to give their lives to ensure his safety.

Every summer the young children (as young as four or five years) lived in tents at Ram Das Puri for 8 weeks of children's camp. Our mothers were "down the hill", undergoing a different kind of indoctrination, a militarized retreat called Khalsa Women's Training Camp. Handgun and Rifle target practice, however, occurred at about 1000 yards' distance from our children's camp. Women from KWTC rode up in orange school-busses. When us children saw the busses arrive we were excited and happy, thinking 'maybe this is when I'll get to see my Mataji, and she'll hug me, kiss me, and maybe she'll even take me home with her'. Alas, the bus never stopped. It drove past us with moms waving, and cheering us, while we cried and begged for it to stop. And while they didn't appear pained, us children were injured by their deliberate show of "detachment".


The ladies of KWTC demonstrating their drill routines, c. 1984

KWTC target practice did not come without its glitches. One of those was fatal, in which a man, who was there to assist KWTC women, was the unfortunate victim of a firearm backfire. The bullet exited the rear of the chamber, entered his neck, hit his carotid artery, and, being 8 miles up a dirt road from the hospital, he bled out and perished. He left behind a two-year old son, a boy of my generation.

Although this man was skilled in the use of firearms, there is no predicting when a tool like this will malfunction. And although we were raised with a certain "respect" for the instrument, we began our own firearms training between the ages of 12 and 16. I shot my first handgun, a Glock 9mm, when I was 15.

But how did this group morally justify the use of weapons of this nature? As converts to the Sikh faith, they had adopted the practice of carrying the Kirpan, a harmless little steel dagger. Even so, how does one make the leap from the Kirpan to a 45-caliber semi-automatic handgun?

Yogi Bhajan, the sole authority of 3HO Sikh Dharma, was playing all sides in the ongoing crisis between the Akali Dal, the Indian Government, and the sikh separatist Khalistan movement led by Jarnail Singh Bhindranwale. At the same time, one of his inner circle devotees was attempting to acquire a large supply of major weapons. He was also possessed by a personal desire for power and wealth, so employed a common strategy in cults: the doomsday scenario. He painted this doomsday scenario to be the transition from the Astrological Piscean Age to the next Astrological age, the Aquarian Age. In this transition, which could last several centuries, would be great suffering and strife. He said, "Most people will be crazy. You must master my meditation techniques that will uplift you from the ensuing insanity. But you must also be prapared. You are Warrior-Saints". A convenient message to the 3HO members – piety without backing down. So they meditated whilst militarizing themselves. They practiced yoga and they practiced shooting guns–at Ram Das Puri, our privately owned, hilltop children's camp-slash-yoga festival-slash-firing range.

Contrarily, contemporary Indian Sikhs are generally not inclined to militancy. My Sikh classmates at GNFC were not even remotely militant. They came from upper middle class Punjab backgrounds that, for the most part, chose Guru Nanak, the pacifist, as their Patron Saint. And at the same time they, like us, were schooled in the history of militancy in Sikhism from the time of Guru Hargobind (1595-1694) to Guru Gobind Singh (1666-1708), Maharaja Ranjit Singh, etc etc, but while Indian Sikh children are educated, we were indoctrinated, and made to learn and adopt the martial arts and dress of the Nihang sect, a small, male-only class of orthodox and martially inclined Sikhs.

  

  

 

Portraits of 2nd generation 3HO sikh boys in full Nihang regalia.

Historically, from the 17th Century to World War II, Sikhs have enjoyed the warrior class status among the changing and evolving structures of India – from the Majarajas, and the Moghul Empire, to fighting alongside, and then against the British Raj. The history of Sikhs (militant or not) in Punjab and in India is fascinating, and deserves broad, mainstream exposure–if only to serve as a meter for all the complexities of modern Indian history. The most alarming chapter, however, took place while I was in India – the rise of the Sikh separatist movement, and the subsequent Operation Blue Star*, which ended in the assassination of Prime Minister Indira Gandhi by her Sikh bodyguards, followed by anti-Sikh rioting, war, and mass bloodshed, and ending in 1989. Thousands of innocent people were massacred as a result of the clash between Indian government and a few self-righteous, agenda-driven ideologues.

***

Notwithstanding, there's no logical conclusion to make regarding any connection of traditional Sikhism, and it's proud military history to Western Anglo Sikh converts and handgun ownership. Perhaps it's an ideology that conveniently fits with a self-serving and paranoid "all-American" desire to exercise their 2nd Amendment Right to the fullest, and their fervent attachment to a paternalistic figure like a cult leader.

When I was eighteen I made a resolution to never own or even touch a handgun. A friend carried his Colt 45 with him to a party and left it in my car. As I was coming down from LSD, I held the gun in my hand and experienced a chilling and gripping feeling that this was nothing but an instrument of death. Not protection, not self-defense. Death. Hate. Fear. Paranoia. Destruction. I wanted no part of it.

I am grateful for LSD for providing me with this outside intervention. The substance itself became a catalyst for open-mindedness and my eventual path toward tolerance and acceptance. Through this I not only experienced the feeling of turning away from militancy for good, but toward using my creativity and intellect as a force far more effective than any weapon could offer. Then and there I knew I was better than the gun-toters.

My heart goes out to the Sikhs in Wisconsin. You might think this white lady doesn't know you, but I do. Many of you were my friends when I had no parents or family. I enjoyed your selfless hospitality in your Gurdwaras and Langars, and for that I have fond memories. And while I no longer wish to worship with you in your temple, I wish you prosperity and happiness in the country that is my homeland that I do love so.



*The Wiki link to Operation Blue Star may not be entirely neutral, but you can follow citations to learn more about it.

at GNFC: the teachers

In my years at GNFC school, I and my classmates were routinely harangued by our teachers. They did not understand that we children had just been dropped into a foreign culture, a society with very different rules, behaviors, conventions, languages, and politics. For instance, as American we were accustomed to raise our hand if we wanted to ask teacher a question. But we didn't ever have to ask permission to enter a classroom.

I remember 3rd grade as just a series of mimicking the Indian kids, so as to avoid a teacher freak-out or a beating. In India a student was expected to stand at the entry of a classroom, hold out a straight arm, palm down, and say: "Ma'am may I come in?". At the start of class when the teacher walks in the whole class stands up and sings "Good Morning Ma'am, and Thank You Ma'am". I clearly remember NEVER being taught this, or prepped for it, yet assimilating to it immediately. Our meal prayer was "For what... we are... about to receive... Oh Lord... make us... tobetrulythankful" - for a long time I had no idea what I was saying, but I mumbled it anyway. At the end of every meal we had to stand up and say "We Thank Thee Oh Lord for Food and Thy Fellowship". Japji Sahib was recited every day, before breakfast, in a droning monotonous chant, to the point where I think I remember the way it was chanted more than the hymn itself.

It didn't matter how much of these cultural norms we did assimilate to. According to the teachers, us Americans, remained "hooligans". The fact that we had not been trained like monkeys to anticipate and cower, was mortifying to them. They were conditioned, and perhaps took for granted, that children feared and respected them. They weren't prepared for children who weren't raised with that concept. But it was we who were on the receiving end of their sticks. A common mantra of theirs was "Who could have possibly raised such a rude child", or some kind of insult to our parents, which made us feel even worse because we missed them so much.

Ironically, but not to credit their intolerance, they may just have had a point. We kinda did have irresponsible parents. They didn't raise us responsibly - they let a stranger dictate to them, step by step, what to do with their own lives and with our lives. They listened when Yogi Bhajan ordered them to swap us around, and they obeyed when he told them to send us half way around the world. They obeyed him when he ordered us to stay there, even when we wanted to come home.

If we were hooligans, it was because we were left to our own devices.

On Lifestyle and Autonomy

Many Kundalini Yoga students came across Yogi Bhajan during the last years of his life when he was very infirm and didn't speak in public as much. Most of his teaching was remote, via pre-recorded, and pretty old, videotape. For the Kundalini Yoga students who never had the pleasure to meet Yogi Bhajan, I can only imagine they have canonized him, but I do find it difficult to see how anyone could sit through his cryptic and nonsensical lectures, where most of the time there was nary a complete sentence uttered.

Not long ago, but before he died in 2004, I was in Española, attending a friend's wedding. My mother wanted me to say hello to him so I reluctantly went up to him. He said "I know you". Well, that was sort of the way it always was - people would tell me how much he cared about each and every child in 3HO, but half the time, we were treated as total strangers, and I'm not even sure him or his wife, or his staff, knew our names! But he also said it as if he was still exerting some form of control, as if he was saying that although I've removed the turban, my "disguise" hadn't really worked (he often called normal attire and cut hair a disguise).

That's when I witnessed someone approach him and literally BOW to him and kiss his feet. We were always instructed as kids to touch his feet when he passed - but never to "worship" - well what I saw that day was pure worship, and he did not refuse. For the majority of my life, he was more royalty than what he claimed to be as "one of us". He wore a white robe, often of ostentatious fabrics like damask silk or ornately quilted silks and he wore huge jewels. Sometimes he even wore fur, which was puzzling to me as a kid who was being raised, under his edict, to be a vegetarian. When I asked my mom why he wore fur, she told me he had blessed the animal who sacrificed its life and granted its soul liberation.

although the educated side of me knows how the system for recruiting new members into a cult works, it's still beyond me how anyone could fall for it - when the hypocrisy is right in front of our faces. The less rational side (or maybe the more rational side) remains baffled, probably because I've developed a high level of skepticism.

Bottom line, is Kundalini Yoga (the 3HO stuff) is just this: heavy breathing, calisthenics and modified asanas and chanting. There's nothing to disprove that breath and movement make one feel better, so I think new recruits are willing to take the chanting as sort of a package deal. But what they may not see is that it's the package deal that's the biggest hoax on the practitioner. It's reeling them in, forcing edicts and dogmas as lifestyle.

Lifestyle is what you make of your own life. How can a set of prescribed dogmas be likened at all as lifestyle! Autonomy cannot be underscored more here!